warm up these winter days

you remembered, when i say that my 'mission' this year is to be joyful?

what actually happens is both. i do feel very sad and glad at the very same time.
--

the more i try to be like Jesus, the more burden i feel in my heart. the more i try to live holy, the more temptation and trials come. don't ask me why. i knew, my heart broke every now and then quite easily.

i feel despair (yeap, such a word) in many of my prayer time, yet i feel joy too. knowing that He has given me the faith to go on til now. knowing that He loves me so much. knowing that He'll never leave me no matter what.

i got woken up about an hour ago due to my early sleeping time last night and found this. yeap, i was attracted to the title -- even though im pretty sure ive read this many times before. these were the conversation of Jesus with the disciples once before He get caught and crucified. it just came alive now. it was from the Message Bible translation.

Joy Like a River Overflowing

^17-18That stirred up a hornet's nest of questions among the disciples: "What's he talking about: 'In a day or so you're not going to see me, but then in another day or so you will see me'? And, 'Because I'm on my way to the Father'? What is this 'day or so'? We don't know what he's talking about."

 ^19-20Jesus knew they were dying to ask him what he meant, so he said, "Are you trying to figure out among yourselves what I meant when I said, 'In a day or so you're not going to see me, but then in another day or so you will see me'? Then fix this firmly in your minds: You're going to be in deep mourning while the godless world throws a party. You'll be sad, very sad, but your sadness will develop into gladness.

 ^21-23"When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there's no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you'll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You'll no longer be so full of questions.

 ^23-24"This is what I want you to do: Ask the Father for whatever is in keeping with the things I've revealed to you. Ask in my name, according to my will, and he'll most certainly give it to you. Your joy will be a river overflowing its banks!

 ^25-28"I've used figures of speech in telling you these things. Soon I'll drop the figures and tell you about the Father in plain language. Then you can make your requests directly to him in relation to this life I've revealed to you. I won't continue making requests of the Father on your behalf. I won't need to. Because you've gone out on a limb, committed yourselves to love and trust in me, believing I came directly from the Father, the Father loves you directly. First, I left the Father and arrived in the world; now I leave the world and travel to the Father."

 ^29-30His disciples said, "Finally! You're giving it to us straight, in plain talk—no more figures of speech. Now we know that you know everything—it all comes together in you. You won't have to put up with our questions anymore. We're convinced you came from God."

 ^31-33Jesus answered them, "Do you finally believe? In fact, you're about to make a run for it—saving your own skins and abandoning me. But I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

may not understand this fully, but the warmth of this truth stays in my heart (:

cause you have to keep loving no matter what

then He answered

as for God -- His way is perfect. the Lord's word is flawless.

.

Tuhan kalo aku ngga bisa mengerti kenapa,
buat aku percaya saja.

i imagined 25 differently.

before we start, no im not 25 yet (but soon) :p
enjoy my jumbles!

realising i have not been writing for a while, i have my reason. i chickened-out, and i did not want to write just my rants. last year was significantly crazy for me, i would say that i taste the life a little bit better. thus, when i was opening my eyes for this year. i did not expect an easy one.

and i was right..

first quarter of this year was not really friendly to me. it hit me from one side, front face, back, behind, from any direction possible. i thought i was going to die (mentally, oh plus the fact that ive been ill as well, i understand that my body is clearly deteriorating daily). i was confused and sad. i tried to be enthusiastic, but i just could not. my defense was, 'why do you have to lie to yourself anyway? you don't feel good. admit it. and sh*t happens so suck it up'.

did it take me anywhere? NO.

after a while i kept myself drowning in a self-sadness and sea of misery, i knew it is time to go on. i have been begging Daddy to get me out of this, but at the same time i tried to hide from Him too. i just could not. every single time i tried to escape from the harsh reality of life, He always ran after me and took me back. He always showed up lovingly, telling me that 'everything is going to be alright , no, AMAZING. i was unsure, 'really Daddy? is it really? i wanted to believe but i cant'.

during those days, one thing stuck in my mind; i have to keep my heart right before God, i really had to guard my heart cause i knew it was not on its best condition (plus i know i have the tendency to be a depressant). ci yuli knew this, she texted me one day this verse (that now i would remember for life):
"wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)
and sometimes my thoughts played up to be too creative, unnecessary thoughts were floating around daily, and even in dreams! clearly, it was myself who did not give me a break. i was intensely crazy inside. but then this verse came up:
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God". (Matthew 5:8)

i was then telling myself; okay, self. you might be in the lowest point of your life, it is fine. but you have no better idea to bring your self back. thus, who you shall trust? still yourself, or Jesus who you have claimed to be your Lord and Savior for years- yet you still do not trust Him in this one too? i hated myself for being stupid for a bit too long, it must have been Holy Spirit who woke me up from my fragile dreams.

i knew i had to get my heart fixed -- if i want to see Him.
 
going back a little bit..
He told me one thing last december. one night, i prayed to God; asking Him what would it be next year for me, reluctantly. i told Him, i was not really keen to start a new year anyway, do not rush me i am not ready for anything yet. please take time with me. i need a break. i do not know what my calling is anyway (was pretty annoyed that time as people started to talk about theirs all the time) bla bla bla and so on and so on. it continued with more complaints towards the end -.-".

lucky i have my heavenly Daddy; i am glad that He completely ignored my rants, and just answered me with this: "I want you to be JOYFUL in Me".

................... a glimpse of hope at least.

what happened after? back to the beginning of this post: i was drowning!!
:( :( :( :( *gleeeppppp*

but James 1:2-4 says:
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".

so i tried to hang on. this time, i hang on to Him. i do not want to be all alone, i do not want to find anyone except Him. i knew that He wanted to teach me to persevere, to endure things, to take things that might be hard to bear. but this time, not with my own strength, but His.

and in John 16:33:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

i know that, no, i am convicted that; every troubles, pains, hardships i am facing, Jesus had experienced them all. and more than that, He has overcome them all! He has overcome the world! why should i be afraid then?

and i am not done yet here, in the past three-four months of this year. i realised better that every Word of God i have heard before, every truth that i have understood these many years, suddenly come alive. this is the time, i have to bring all of them into practice and experiences. i had to fight myself hard. i had to let my self be hurt. i have to be black and blue. i have to, in order to really grasp the meaning of Jesus' existence in my life. i think this is what it meant by experiencing God.

and more than that, things i do not even dare to imagine in my head happened to me. God does them all. He just did instantly! He never fails to put this joy in my heart, no matter how dark the days were; i just felt real safe. i know He never leave me all this time. i had just been sleeping for a while. and if i could tell you something, joy does not equal to happiness. joy is not without tears. joy does not equal to smiley face. for me, joy is that grateful feeling and peace God puts in our heart. joy is when we know that He has saved us from the eternal death, joy is because of His salvation. (:

oh about the calling? He showed me a little bit. i did not expect this too. i thought, i'd still have so much things to deal with myself. but He is willing to use the imperfect me anyway to take part in His Kingdom. isn't He gracious?!!


i do not know if i am hundred percent ready to fight the battle again. i might be still a little bit bruised, but i am up for it now! :D

and mann, truly if you had drop everything down for Him. He never forgets you. every where you go, everything you do, He knows. He knows exactly where you are, what you do, what are you facing through. and best thing is, He will be with you, He will fight with you, only if you let Him too.

--
coming back to what the post is entitled.

i imagined, i would be married by 25. i would have a stable job. i would be a lady.
but i am not.

it is okay though; i guess knowing God in such a deep way means much more to me. being able to experience His love and kindness, seeing His Words come into life, knowing that He never leaves in the hardest times - for He is true and He always fulfills His promise, and to be JOYFUL because of His grace and salvation! that what life is supposed to be right? :)

i know my soul longs for more that what the world could offer.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end". (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

It's easy to be kind and good

To those who show us love,

But loving those who won't respond

Takes grace from God above.

Love helps those who may never return the favor.

x

Ellen

#tulisanditruk

"bahagia sendirian itu gak enak lho"


dikutip dari tweet nona sihotang.