Okay. I just have to right.

At least this is for my future self's sake.

Never in my lifetime I would imagined that there would be a time like this. A pandemic that affects the entire world! (well maybe not those in the Sentinels), but yea, most of us really.

It started with a fear. Like the fear of the unknown, as if we were part of the plots in sci-fi movie. Everyone was freaking out at the same time, I too, found myself checking how many people got infected every day, how many people died that day. Those was for like what, 2-3 solid weeks?! Was I nuts? Maybe I was. I found it hard to sleep at night, I pushed myself to watch movies / docos anything really to take me away from thinking about the pandemic for a bit. And that frustrated me too.

I went frantic with cooking, sewing, thinking about those DIY things I could possibly do during quarantine time. Yet on the back of my head, I was stressing out about how to pay the bills and salary for work. Messy. And messy.

As the world goes quiet, we are then in a war inside ourselves. And it is mental. It is spiritual. It's all over until your whole body aches cause you sleep too late and too much.

But then, this came right in the other day.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; 
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love, 
at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life.

Why do I care so much for things that I can't control?

The waves and the hustle in life  are always going to be there, call it pandemic, call it something else. It would still be able to eat us up and drag us down. But it's just we are all in the same page now.

But His love doesn't stop there, even with winds, and the crazy storm we are in; even Himself is mightier than any of those. God is MIGHTY. And I am just so assured with that.

The question is, shall we call on Him now?

Shall we run to Him?

When we call upon His name, when we search Him with all of our hearts, even the storm can't stop Him to meet us. He will meet us where we are.

He will come.

He will direct.

He will be with us.

Because He is the God of our life.

the secret place

It is 2019.

I am back here guys. And I have been having this urge for couple of days now, to jot down my thoughts that I do not want to forget.

These past few years has been a hard rollercoaster time for me spiritually. It is not that I have stopped coming to church or losing my belief. But it just has been hard. It has been hard to truly believe that God still cares, both in my heart and my head. I would feel dry and maybe, sometimes, maybe feel a bit refreshed, for like... two or three days max. Then all the bleak and shadows come again. The air is never clear.

Everything feels ordinary. Mediocrity seems fine. That is just life as it is.

Bleak. Dull. Foggy.

And, really. It's not that I am not grateful about all the blessings I have received. I am happy about that. But I am never 100% convinced. It's like I am 99% grateful. My gratitude comes like a morning dew. It lasts only for a while.

Why is that though?

I am thinking, where's that first love? Where's that heart that longing for Christ? That is truly truly wanting Him to settle in my whole being. My head and my heart.

I learn to adult these days. To take one bite at a time. One step at a time. Not without doubts. Doubts are always there. But I learn to take less control. I learn to trust more.

Dang it is hard.

It is like walking on a tight rope, full of risks, tensions and sometimes, fear.

And I am looking for a shelter. I place of refuge. But this time, not to cry.
This time, I would like to do things differently. I want to learn to trust.
To let be shielded. To obey. To just sometimes, sit still in Your presence.
To sing. To just worship for who You are. To make time to be in the secret place.
To be restored, to be renewed.

Both. My heart and my head.

white shoes story

I was cleaning my white canvas shoes last weekend (for the third time already), when I got suddenly reminded that; my life is like a white shoes.

I am not the kind of person who has white white shoes. You know, they’ve been in trend in the last couple of years when people wear them to the malls. My white shoes never remain white for long. I either walk on their back soles, kicked something with them or simply having dirt and dust all around it. And I am not the one who clean them regularly.

So is my life. I know I am not the best one in getting my life organised, as much as I like to be in control of things like most people do, I always like the idea to improvise. Hence, my life is like my shoes.

I realised then, oh how I need God to cleanse my life constantly! It is true, when they say, once you got older, life is harder. It’s harder to stick with your idealism, your belief and your values. It’s harder to get your perspective aligned for quite a long time. It’s harder if you try to do it by yourself. And yea, self determination can only go that far.

I need God in my life. I need Him to get my views corrected, my mind untangled, my heart purified. And the more I know the truth, the more I realise how wicked sin is! How sneaky the devil is to push our eyes away from Him.

My white shoes came up quite clean, except on a few spots there are marks that can be washed away, due to: I left them dirty for too long. So yea, the white shoes imagery stuck in my head for couple of days already. Me, trying to figure out what it means.

Until today.

I have been coming to these prayer nights for few days already. Not knowing what to expect or pray, I just wanted to come. I feel I needed to come. So I tell mum, yea I am going to be out for prayers this whole week.

But I felt lazy today.

I laid myself on my bed after shower, it was already quarter to 7, 15 mins away before the prayer starts. I haven’t eat. I still need to drive to church which is 10 mins away from where I live. I dragged myself to come anyway.

I am glad I did come.

God spoke to me through the sharing given today (bless you Lev, you are gifted). Just a confirmation once again from the Lord, about the white shoes. I looked down and saw myself wearing my white shoes. Then suddenly the impression I have in mind came alive. And you know, being Christian, you might think this kind of epiphany sound so cliche. Yes it is cliche. But I believe it is how the Holy Spirit speaks to me, a whole new understanding and realisation of how messy my life is and how great my God is! I need this refreshment over and over again. So I pray that You may cleanse my heart once again, o Lord. And what’s great about God is, that no matter how long you have all those marks on those shoes, God is able to cleanse everything as they are new! Better than any detergen, baking sodas and hydrogen peroxide (think not about getting this stuff on to your hand). No. He wipes away our sin completely with His love. When we go down and pray and seek Him wholeheartedly, He will make Himself found. That is the heart of God for us. That is what He promises us.

So dear Daddy, thank you for the white clean shoes. Thank you for purifying my heart once again, making it new once again - so that I may live a life full of passion for You. Every day is a day with You Lord, every day you ignite Your passion in me.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
-- Psalm 51:10

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
-- Jeremiah 36:26-27

a car ride

You remind me of my dreams.

You remind me that goodness still exists in every situation.

You remind me that Your love is the greatest among all.

You refill my heart with joy and and my life with love.

So, though I don't have it all, I can say that You are GOOD.

And this unexplainable gratitude in my heart stays here.

You make all things brand new.

You make me look things beyond what it seems.

Faith to see your purpose behind every living being.

A fresh air to my heart.

A lovely tune to my ear.

And I will remember today.

You uplift me spontaneously.

You love me genuinely.

we have enough

ok, there are couple of thoughts i have in my mind that i need to jot down as soon as possible before i forget them.

24 hour a day is enough for you. God gives us 24 hours per day, to work, to eat, to rest, to chill, to do what He wants us to do. what we don't realise is, sometimes we do too much of something God didn't ask us to do. Though it may not be completely wrong or unkind, but i came into a realisation, that me trying to smash together every single thing people ask me to do. that is no good.
i know this is not my first time dealing with such issue;

"i'm exhausted"
"i didn't have enough time"
"leave me alone"
"ok, fine then. i'd just secretly die"
"yeah, one hour won't hurt"
"poor her, i got to keep her a company"

no. ellen. you should stop.
you can't fit in everyone's request into your daily timetable every single time (plus you're not so good with time management). and it is ok to say no. it is ok to say that you need a rest too. you know that it will cost you your time especially with your closest people around. you don't want to do that.

true that sometimes, there is circumstance that makes it inevitable to say no and you got to make some adjustment or sacrifice. but hey, set your priorities first.

you can't help people if you're tired. you won't be able to minister if you are knackered. you will not do anything right if you are sleep deprived. you'd become angry, sensitive and burdened. you should know when you should stop and know where you draw your strength from.

i decided to come in early that morning, i wasn't quite sure what i was looking for. i just felt that something isn't too right with my heart. but i came anyway.

sang and sang. and how gracious and loving You are - You spoke to me and i listened.

"all fear removed
i breathe You in
i lean into Your love
oh Your love"

then i suddenly see, what i need despite all the mess and the busyness that haunt me the past few weeks, is just You love. knowing for certain, that You love me.

that's all i need.
that's where i draw my strength from.

classic; known; reminded once again.

thank You, Daddy.

oh hey, hello

leave to God what is beyond your hands.

let go on things that you can't get hold of anymore.

use your talents fully as He gave you those with purpose.

be kind, always thinks such lovely things.

take risk, yolo, really ellen, just YOLO for once.

always brings everything into prayers; prayer is the breath of your spiritual life.

read more, put your phone down - it has to last til the iphone 7s series comes out.

work hard, work smart, have fun!

and be that person that people took note, "she has been with Jesus"

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