the secret place

It is 2019.

I am back here guys. And I have been having this urge for couple of days now, to jot down my thoughts that I do not want to forget.

These past few years has been a hard rollercoaster time for me spiritually. It is not that I have stopped coming to church or losing my belief. But it just has been hard. It has been hard to truly believe that God still cares, both in my heart and my head. I would feel dry and maybe, sometimes, maybe feel a bit refreshed, for like... two or three days max. Then all the bleak and shadows come again. The air is never clear.

Everything feels ordinary. Mediocrity seems fine. That is just life as it is.

Bleak. Dull. Foggy.

And, really. It's not that I am not grateful about all the blessings I have received. I am happy about that. But I am never 100% convinced. It's like I am 99% grateful. My gratitude comes like a morning dew. It lasts only for a while.

Why is that though?

I am thinking, where's that first love? Where's that heart that longing for Christ? That is truly truly wanting Him to settle in my whole being. My head and my heart.

I learn to adult these days. To take one bite at a time. One step at a time. Not without doubts. Doubts are always there. But I learn to take less control. I learn to trust more.

Dang it is hard.

It is like walking on a tight rope, full of risks, tensions and sometimes, fear.

And I am looking for a shelter. I place of refuge. But this time, not to cry.
This time, I would like to do things differently. I want to learn to trust.
To let be shielded. To obey. To just sometimes, sit still in Your presence.
To sing. To just worship for who You are. To make time to be in the secret place.
To be restored, to be renewed.

Both. My heart and my head.