yes.

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

--

Habakkuk 3:17-18

id like to call it beauty :'')

Will you not revive us once more?
Then your people will rejoice in you!
O Lord, show us Your loyal love!
Bestow on us Your deliverance!

I will listen to what God the Lord says.
For He will make peace with his people, His faithful followers.
Yet they must not return to their foolish ways.

Certainly His loyal followers will soon experience His deliverance;
then His splendor will again appear in our land.

Loyal love and faithfulness meet;
deliverance and peace greet each other with a kiss.
Faithfulness grows from the ground,
and deliverance looks down from the sky.

Yes, the Lord will bestow His good blessings,
and our land will yield its crops.
Deliverance goes before Him,
and prepares a pathway for Him.
** Psalm 85:6-13

what would it take to revive our land, Lord? what would it take to have Your splendor shine upon us? we all need deliverance! deliverance comes from the Lord only. only Him can grant us deliverance.

what would be our part, Lord? we have to be faithful. each and everyone of us who has known Christ, we should not go back to our own foolish way! this is really critical!

nothing compares with the love of our Lord Jesus Christ. when God's loyal love and faithfulness meet, surely deliverance will be granted for us, peace will be with us. as Jesus has come to the world, perform the complete faithfulness, went to the cross for love sake. all of our debts have been paid, we received deliverance from our sin.

God will grant us His great blessing. when people are freed, surely the land they live will bear its fruits. but again, there has to be deliverance!!

revive us, Lord.
revive us.

while now

i do wonder if i have truly changed. i dont like things i used to like anymore, i dont mind doing something i used to dislike before. while i know im still the same person.

ive been so occupied with things lately, too many. yet i still do feel calm and content. im tired and whined once in a while, but thats it, no more further complaining. i do know God is with me every step of the way, i just need to put my trust in Him.

He promised me once, years ago. this one specific thing i came across randomly from browsing the net *yes, He is online too, you know :p* which may not make sense to anyone else except me. a very personal, direct message i will never forget. as things have fallen apart, this promise helped me to keep going, to keep praying, to keep hoping. while i can also feel that the world is trying to pull me back down, trying to slip around my way, setting his little delusive traps on my path. man, im not going back.

i have decided to follow Jesus

.

it wont be easy. it wont. i would still fall here and there, sin. but there s this little voice keep telling me e-ve-ry time i would do something bad, that i cant just ignore. and im sure its not my conscience cause she's bit psychotic at times, i dont trust her hundred percent. which then led me to a little conclusion, that it must be You, God (:

im embracing life now. sweet and bitter taste of it. i cease them all.


cause one more thing, i know im still not done with;
the lesson of love.

x

.

there are only two answers, if you feel you dont fit in somewhere;

you are not meant to be there.
//
you have to change.

question

"Can I be a child of God while there is so much darkness in me?" Yes; for you, like the day, take not your name from the evening, but from the morning; and you are spoken of in the word of God as if you were even now perfectly holy.

pingin copot otak sejenak

pertanyaan;

apakah Tuhan sedang mengajari ellen multi-handling?


salah satunya adalah jempol bengkak yang masi cenut-cenutan ini.
ugh, saket.

YOU.

You are so close to me,
i feel You inside me.
i can talk to You about anything,
about someone, about something.
You just listen so patiently.

You are here with me.
From the dawn til the night.
In the order or the mess.
You always stay.

And i thank You,
for the ride you allowed me to jump in.


i have found my love now.
it is You.

it has always been You :*

dear God

^1-7 Bend an ear, God; answer me. I'm one miserable wretch!
Keep me safe—haven't I lived a good life?
Help your servant—I'm depending on you!
You're my God; have mercy on me.
I count on you from morning to night.
Give your servant a happy life;
I put myself in your hands!
You're well-known as good and forgiving,
bighearted to all who ask for help.
Pay attention, God, to my prayer;
bend down and listen to my cry for help.
Every time I'm in trouble I call on you,
confident that you'll answer.

^8-10 There's no one quite like you among the gods, O Lord,
and nothing to compare with your works.
All the nations you made are on their way,
ready to give honor to you, O Lord,
Ready to put your beauty on display,
parading your greatness,
And the great things you do—
God, you're the one, there's no one but you!

^11-17 Train me, God, to walk straight;
then I'll follow your true path.
Put me together, one heart and mind;
then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear.
From the bottom of my heart I thank you, dear Lord;
I've never kept secret what you're up to.
You've always been great toward me—what love!
You snatched me from the brink of disaster!
God, these bullies have reared their heads!
A gang of thugs is after me—
and they don't care a thing about you.
But you, O God, are both tender and kind,
not easily angered, immense in love,
and you never, never quit.
So look me in the eye and show kindness,
give your servant the strength to go on,
save your dear, dear child!
Make a show of how much you love me
so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed,
As you, God, gently and powerfully
put me back on my feet.

-- Psalm 86

and for some things, we just have to leave it to God Himself.
He shall do it in His own magical way :')

cause He loves us SO MUCH.

i dunno.

doubting no more :D

three times You have reminded me, three times!!
i have no reason to doubt You, not for a single second!


"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

"I'm here. I'm here. I'm here." says the Father.

"Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it." Gen 28:16


thank you so much God!!!
(: (: (:

from the mezzanine

im not really sure how to start this. i havnt written anything for a while and now im just overwhelmed with thankfulness for God Himself who has given me the opportunity to be His servant. no, i dont belong on the stage nor performing my talent in front of the people. i usually stay in this upper mezzanine doing recording, taking pictures from upstairs. no one really knows our existence except those who are on the stage?? yes?

im doing my 'duty' alone most all the time. but occasionally i have companies -- these boys from lighting or mm. and as we do our technical ministry, we only focus on what we do right there. we dont have any direct impact to the people and more or less we are doing documentary. i believe tho, God will bless us through this ministry. as His servant, i still want to do my best for Him no matter what.

but really, seriously, when God's presence takes place. we could not handle ourselves *no, its not because we're literally higher than others we feel like we can touch the Heaven first*. we wanted to jump, to shout, to sing as loud as we can while as well, being considerate the existence of the sound men below us :p

and i just realised this today, to be there, in that box. i could see how the whole church were up in praising the Lord. it's so beautiful, it's breath-taking scenery seeing those young souls so pumped up declaring how mighty Jesus Christ is.

and you boys, it's truly a privilege for me serving God with you all! the basic: the heart that loves the Lord. that's all we need. and no matter how small and seem-ing-ly insignificant our ministries are, i know God sees our heart. and all of those technicalities we perform, were all for Him!

thank you Jesus!

special thanks to the boys:
rio, riki, davin, hendra.
God bless you all!

ketika Tuhan merenda rencanaNya untuk aku

'sebab rancanganKu bukanlah rancanganmu, dan jalanmu bukanlah jalanKu, demikianlah firman TUHAN. seperti tingginya langit dari bumi, demikianlah tingginya jalanKu dari jalanmu dan rancanganKu dari rancanganmu'.
Yes 55:8-9

sounds familiar huh?
aku sudah denger firman ini berpuluh-puluh kali dalam hidup dan aku ngga sadar betapa sulitnya menghidupi firman ini sampe aku bener-bener kepepet.
hari-hari terakir ini, saat aku bilang, 'Tuhan, aku mau lebih serius lagi sama Engkau. Aku mau cari Tuhan bener-bener', ee mala dapetnya susah mulu. yang paling ekstrim justru, saat Tuhan tunjukin semua dosa-dosaku, semua kelemahan-kelemahanku, semuanya Tuhan taroh di atas meja, terang-terangan, semua ada di depan mataku.

aku malu. aku merasa terintimidasi. aku bahkan sempat berpikir aku benci diri sendiri.
bahkan saat dibilang, jumat aku harus sharing di fa. aku ngga tau harus bilang apa, aku sendiri masi lemah, tapi aku harus share firman Tuhan ke anak-anak yang laen.

tapi Tuhan itu sungguh baik, saat aku 'teriak-teriak' sama Dia *lewat nangis, lewat nggondok, lewat tutup mulut selama berhari-hari dalam beberapa minggu terakir*, Dia justru kasi tau aku sesuatu yang indah banget.

'kenapa kamu teriak-teriak cari Aku? Roh KudusKu uda ada dalem kamu, kamu ngga sendiri len!! kamu sekarang tau jelas, semua dosa-dosa yang tersembunyimu, semua kelemahan dagingmu, Aku memang mau tunjukin kamu, Aku mau ubah kamu.'

kruk*
hatiku remuk.

yaampun Tuhan, sungguh aku malu. malu banget. tapi gimana lagi, Engkau yang tau semuanya, aku ngga bisa sembunyiin apa-apa. dan sungguh Engkau bukain mataku lebar-lebar, lewat orang-orang di sekitar aku. SUNGGUH aku ini bukan siapa-siapa!

Tuhan, aku mau serahin semuanya sama Engkau. aku beneran ngga mampu hadepin ini semua sendiri. bahkan aku aja harus beneran diubah! ini waktuMu Tuhan, kalau ini yang harus Engkau lakuin dulu dalem hidupku, supaya aku Engkau bersihkan, supaya aku Engkau kuduskan, supaya aku boleh layak dateng di hadapanMu lagi. lakuin Tuhan..

aku cuman berdoa, Engkau yang jagai hatiku. sungguh hati ini jahat, Roh KudusMu sendiri yang terus tegor aku Tuhan. biar jalanku lurus, engga serong. biar aku ngelakuin apa yang Engkau kehendaki, biar aku bisa buat Engkau senang.

biar aku ngga bergantung sama kekuatanku sendiri, sama kekuatan orang lain, sama kepinteranku sendiri. TIDAK. semuanya ngga cukup Tuhan.

'tetapi kepada manusia Ia berfirman; sesungguhnya takut akan Tuhan, itulah hikmat, dan menjauhi kejahatan itulah akal budi'
Ayub 28:28

when we have to pray more than before

time is short.

we only have two options;

keep living on our futile life
or
surrender ourselves wholly to the Lord.

be wise, friend.

hold on

helloo!

its been a while!
ive been caught up with job-hunting these days. YES, still unemployed.
happy enough to receive rejection emails, means they still care *eventho they might just copy paste the content to another hundreds applicants*

but i had a surprisingly nice convo with an old friend this morning. how truly he evidenced God's grace in his life. and he told me his story. the story of God's goodness in his life. and it doesnt mean that he did nothing during his hard times. he said, he prayed so hard, strived persistenly. he came only with a small faith -- He believes God does exist and He ll answer his prayers. that encourages me. i know, deep down in my heart, God will never ever give something that isnt good for me. for every single thing i am having right now, they re all good in His sight. my flaws, my problems, my fragility are there to shape me into who He wants me to be.

it was so amazing remembering that, in every single step in my life, God has given me the Holy Spirit to stay with me, to guide me, to give me peace and joy every time. well, of course, i will still ever be sad, disappointed, angry, feeling down; but that when He cheer me up. He cares about me more than i could ever imagine. He listens to my thoughts, whines, complaints. and even He rebukes me when i am wrong. He knows me more than i know myself.

and i believe He is more than enough to keep me going on.

what do we have here?
life?


beyond that.
something that cant never be taken away from us, God's love.
<3

semua itu ada waktunya (:

1405

‘dan dunia ini sedang lenyap dengan segala keinginannya, tetapi orang yang melakukan kehendak Allah tetap hidup selama-lamanya’. (1 John 2:17)

gw sadar ini sudah lama. mungkin beberapa taon lalu sejak gw udah cukup tua buat menyadari bahwa dunia ini semakin rusak ancur ngga karuan :s semuanya abu-abu, semuanya dianggep relative, tergantung dari sudut pandang dan persepsi masing-masing. budaya dan ras bahkan dibuat jadi dalih. apa yang dulu dianggep ngga boleh, sekarang jadi semi-semi boleh lah. apa yang dulu ekstrim dianggep jadi biasa, apa yang dulu biasa dianggep kuno sekarang. pingin ini, kesampean. pingin itu, kesampean. tambah lama tambah pingin ini itu engga ada abisnya.

bukannya si pengkotbah udah bilang semuanya itu sia-sia?
manusia, kamu maunya apa?

‘tetapi kamu telah beroleh pengurapan dari Yang Kudus, dan dengan demikian kamu semua mengetahuinya. aku menulis kepadamu, bukan karena kamu tidak mengetahui kebenaran, tetapi justru karena kamu mengetahuinya dan karena kamu juga mengetahui, bahwa tidak ada dusta yang berasal dari kebenaran’. (1 John 2:20-21)

kalo orang yang ngaku Kristen?

kalo buat kita yang udah tau dan kenal kebenaran itu, apa kita bakal cuman diem dan ikut-ikutan arus dunia kayak orang yang belom kenal Tuhan? okei, notes sedikit, arus dunia ngga harus disamain sama hal-hal yang kelihatannya jadi dosa besar kayak misalnya ikutan korupsi di perusahaan; tapi hal-hal yang sangat mepet-mepet sama yang namanya dosa. keinginan daging, keinginan mata dan keangkuhan hidup. kita ngga boleh ngelak atau pura-pura bego kalo tau itu dosa. jangan sampe kita lari dari kebenaran.

tapi temen gw bilang itu ngga apa-apa dan gw berasa ‘freak’ nih..

sebab di dalam diri kamu tetap ada pengurapan yang telah kamu terima dari pada-Nya. karena itu tidak perlu kamu diajar oleh orang lain. tetapi sebagaimana pengurapan-Nya mengajar kamu tentang segala sesuatu--dan pengajaran-Nya itu benar, tidak dusta--dan sebagaimana Ia dahulu telah mengajar kamu, demikianlah hendaknya kamu tetap tinggal di dalam Dia. (1 John 2:27)

kita harus tetep melekat sama kebenaran itu. iman kita adalah iman individual. kita ngga bisa nebeng orang lain soal iman percaya kita sama Tuhan. gak bisa nebeng!! hubungan itu antara kita ama Tuhan pribadi; cuman kita dan Tuhan yang tau apa isi hati kita, apa yang sebenernya kita reka-reka dalam pikiran kita, apa yang sebenernya kita percaya ama Tuhan sungguh-sungguh apa engga.

‘Anak-anakku, janganlah membiarkan seorangpun menyesatkan kamu. Barangsiapa yang berbuat kebenaran adalah benar, sama seperti Kristus adalah benar’ (1 John 3:7)

jadi, jangan lari dari Tuhan. jangan ingkari apa yang sudah kita percayai. kalo Tuhan uda kasi benih firman dalam hati kita buat percaya, jangan engga hiraukan itu. dunia emang makin jahat, justru itu kita harus semakin berpegang teguh sama iman kita sama Tuhan. kalo kita tau Tuhanlah satu-satunya sumber kebenaran dalem hidup kita, kenapa kita masi suka noleh sana sini?

gw percaya kasih karunia Tuhan sungguh cukup buat kita, bahkan melimpah. cuman kita engga boleh lagi pake ‘dalih anak kecil’ buat kompromi sama ketidakmampuan daging kita melawan cobaan *.* kita harus punya integritas iman. Tuhan kasih kita kesempatan, kita harus respon dan lakukan bagian kita. kita harus jadi terang (:

milano city

byebye milan (":

9 to 9

and God is still working on each one of our hearts.
no matter how slow or quick the growth are, im still far from giving up on you all. thank you Lord for the good reminder today. i would never be able to stop the time, thus i promise i will work harder than ever before. the clock is ticking, everyone should hear about the Gospel! about Jesus Christ who died on the cross and rose again! about the greatest love ever!

spread the love, people (:

back home

note from milano city:

all we need is a big big heart that can contain things, the good and the bad.

a good laugh is the ultimate cure after a long and tiring day.

arrogance will take you somewhere you are not supposed to be.

no matter how good your plan is, God's always better (:


photos are coming up next!
:D

a day to go

i will try not to be so much 'katrok' in this post, i'll try.

here i go. it's only 2 nights away from my trip to milan that i have plan since more than a year ago. to be honest, i don't feel much excitement as people expect. i have heard enough statements of i can NOT. im so ready to have this not happening. but God wrote me a different story; as i am being as i am now, is all truly His work. i can't boast about anything in myself, not a single thing about my achivement, personality or behavior. i was in a total mess -- i even found myself as a horrible person at some point.

yet, God still show me His kindness; giving me this little opportunity to present my work in such an event. i don't have anything else to say except: thank you. He has told me not to be blinded by what this world can offer. He has taught me not to fall into temptations that could leave me into destruction. He has covered me with His love so i can trust Him for what He planned. and somehow i know that things will be alright in His hand.

now, im ready to go, along with Holy Spirit who will take care of my heart.
and for any other things: i have trusted all in You.


excited? not today,
maybe i will tomorrow.

tape records

there is always a meaning behind every thing
that we may not understand til quite some time
and as the brain could not comprehend
'it will be just fine'
endless questions would be asked
why why why
then cry cry cry
for what is it, Lord?
as if im catching the wind
He didnt say anything
cause He wanted to teach me something

“for my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,'
declares the LORD.
'as the heavens are higher than the earth, 
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts'

and He is always right,
always.

life with a substance

i believe it is more than just a good career,
more than a grant achievement,
more than a super duper rich bf,
more than just smart arses' conversations,
more than hours of voluntary works at church,

it is about you and God.
you and your dearest friends.
and some stupid, eventful and breath-taking moments that do NOT happen everyday.


life for me is far behind that, yet
i am thankful for mine.

when i don't know how

i share my deepest thought with You.

update from today

what can i say? my day started at 7.30 am, i spent 6 hours of my day wandering ard to get my photo taken for indo's id card. then, opened my mouth for 2.5 hours for the dentist whom i have to meet again tomorrow. then, watched tv's show abt successful people under 30, feeling slightly useless and now sitting here writing my blog.

another facts; it was raining heavily in sby today.
big earthquake and tsunami hit japan today.


...


ive been thinking of my useless-ness in these past few days since i set my feet on indoland until, again, He reminds me:
'therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?' -- matt 6:25

conclusion

melbourne may not be the everything. this may not be the everything. this world may be nothing. every 'good things' in this world is temporary, they never please me. cause probably they re not everything as there must have been something greater than this. God is greater than this. God is everything!

Tuhan, aku kebingungan..

usaha menjaring angin ini.

i dont want labels, i want to pursue something within.

teaser

sunday evening

the tanoemargas and the tanurdjaja.

ah, good old days.
talked too much, talked too fast, shared a lot (:


"start small, start humble"

will i ever escape this hectic life?

i dont think so.

where is ellen?

yes, where have i been?

eerr, no where actually. if you wonder what ive been doing lately, i would say that i ve been burning leather much, inhaled pretty much of that toxic solvent from the dye, got my right thumb burnt occasionally from the lighter and playing with paints and ink. not so healthy i know. so, if anyone of you have a backyard, please let me know *i ve also stolen my brother table for this, so, pardon me bro, im trying to make a living*

should i mentioned, i have been doing a part-time agent for tr application? three faithful clients kept calling me all the time. yes! including you van, BAYAR! hahaha

what else? despite the fact that my desk is still in total mess and i snoozed my alarm continuously an hour after i woke up, i dont have much thing to do; or too many things actually that make me losing focus. but for now, tr is done. and im still on the search of laser, schengen, sirius and tidyness.

oh ive been reading too, aha!
this is one of my new yr's resolutions. i promise myself to read more, ponder the words of God more since i know the older i am the harder it is gonna be to change myself. i hate reading, seriously. i even hate writing *used to* but i just hope that, more than information and knowledge i got from the books, God will reveal Himself more in me, because really, who else can i depend myself to?

each day trying, each day hoping to be better, yet at some point, i know frustration will kick in and push me down. and worst part is, sometimes this heart cannot contain it. and then, cape to the core, depresi, whatever you call it. that is why, i want to put my priority right. i want to put Him first eventho i dont know how, i want that revelation about how great His love is, i just want a drop, it would show me enough. so that i will understand the true meaning of salvation, of His grace. and i am simply grateful that He still gives me the faith, to carry on, to carry on..

..i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind..

..

still you hear me when im calling
Lord, you catch me when im falling
And youve told me who i am..

i am yours.

(:

and day by day start living out the grace and salvation i have received, im truly grateful for whatever things He has trusted me til now. i guess, it is time really to slow down, and look everything from a bigger picture, from His point of view; so that i ll keep trusting Him even when vague-ness and uncertainty occur.

(":

i ll keep going on..

how to be a granny in ten days

1. you still wear a cardigan, even in the sunny day.

2. flat shoes, always flat shoes.

3. you consider buying fresh juice rather than boost.

4. you got headache from too much sun.

5. start knitting, now.

6. you prefer taking notes on your book rather than setting reminder in your phone.

7. you dont check facebook that often anymore.

8. you drink hot ginger tea with honey in a hot day.

9. you always sleep like a baby.

10. you take time to go to the market rather than safeway.

peaceful much?
:D

its simply grace

and again,
im thankful for the realisation who i am as a human being.
how much more i need Your grace in my life, Lord.
i dont think i can keep going on without it :")


everyday, looking at the cross.

pouring thoughts out

no i wouldnt complain about finding a job here, i know it isnt easy. people keep telling me try this and that; i said ill do it once at a time. but this whole thing somehow pressurizing me in such a weird way. again, it isnt about the few-seconds-of-fearful-thoughts i had before i call up some companies, neither because i short in cash *well this is half-true actually*, or maybe is it because people keep telling me to go back for good before i am even trying?

probably combination of all.

i know the biggest treasure in this universe isnt about an awesome career, or self-own shops, or those pretty clothes neither all of the other luxury the world offers. but it also doesnt mean we live carelessly, right? unplanned and impulsive at the same time.

i know im such a huge dreamer. my dreams probably are leaking out of me at this moment. and im okay with it actually. but again, it doesnt mean that i am just gonna sit idle here and hoping that the rest of my life would be just fine. and i do clearly know that what i still i want to pursue is seeing and knowing God more. His thoughts are way beyond my comprehension and His plan is the biggest. this will obviously include pushing myself to read books, spending more time in pondering His Words and taking a time out from whatever things that i can see with these eyes.

and probably before i declare my self as a true Christian, the thing that i need to pursue more now is Jesus Christ Himself. i dont want to be too late for this, if not, im screwed for an eternity :/

if the world we live in now, is this beautiful;
how much more is THE CREATOR!!!


guard and guide my heart Lord,
to see things beyond my worldly eyes.
things that You have prepared for me in Heaven (*:

1111

day one.

spent the whole day browsing through job search engines *.*
mabok.