above all

i knew it's coming. i knew that this is not something that is unexpected.

i want to admit that i let myself to drift away from Daddy lately. i, somehow, managed to entertain myself in a way that did not involve Him. i even started to see life just as it is -- never easy and messy, deal with it. i chose not to think over things that are important, because if it's real important, it is scary and it demands my responsibility and i have to make that accountable as well to either other people or God. it is too hard, i do not want to deal with it. i started to live my life daily as it is, which is not bad. i would say the days were horribly bleak nor jolly. but i definitely know, they felt empty. my soul felt empty (even when i know, He is still with me).

salvation is for all, but our faith is individual. no one can ever come up to others and blame them of what they did not believe. or simply by measuring others' faith based on what one sees. our eyes are limited, we all know that. there is, of course, tangible things that show how Christ lives in one's life, but who can tell what is in one's heart?

okay, let's just say, i feel like i made a lots of mistakes lately. i do not think i have been the best version of myself, well, there is no best-me anyway! silly brain. but well hey, the truth is, God's love to me is never depend on my spiritual behaviours -- if i do good, He loves me more; if i am being naughty, He won't love me as much -- no! it is not like that. He is love itself.

i somehow got frustrated with myself, knowing that how much i have heard the truth, but my flesh keeps giving in to sin. i know the truth, but i still need grace and mercy every single second!

they all say, keep yourself busy with work here - that will keep you sane.

i agree to that to some degree, because somehow, despite my love to all of those inanimate objects, fine clothes and good movies; they never let me stop. brutally said, they eat me in.

i love cool things. who does not? but sometimes, cool things are not always right. and the right things to do are sometimes the ones that i thought is lame. lets just throw this ego away. it drags me down, and leave me cocky all alone.

i do not want to cry out to God, when it is Christmas nor Easter. when every songs and sermons at church gets me teary or when the fairy lights makes me to ponder about life deeper. i do not want that.

i need you now, Daddy. i need you now.