xx

helo! these days are those days where i just throw myself to bed in seconds or times when i found myself constantly thinking over the night that drives me crazy. weeks pass quickly and i have been doing lots of things. but somehow, i am a bit concerned that i may miss something far more important than these.

i have been trying to figure out what i might have missed during this time, or maybe not now, but i am afraid i would not realise it til it's gone, til it's too late. i have been complaining less with how things work surrounds me. i started to figure out this 'mastery' everyone has here. i learnt what to mention what is not to mention to others simply just because they won't have time for my rambling, except to some other people i might have slipped on too much words - sorry guys.

one thing keeps lingering still in my mind, of what pop told me casually in one dinner occasion. he actually referred to one of the Bible verse, paraphrased, like this: "God will not give you challenges / temptations harder than what you can take; if He gave you the hard one, He will definitely provide you a way out". i came out to such an amazement of how he speaks such thing cause he is no believer and he lifted up my heart instantly just by saying that. i came out to think, God, i know you are still at work in my family!

we went home and i rushed to my room to look for that verse once again in the Bible. i knew i heard it so many times and remembered it by heart, but it struck me hard that night.

it was from 1 Cor 10:13

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it".


God is faithful.

how i forgot that too easily. (plus i cried a little inside cause how pop misses this part :*< )
i have been blaming many other things in response to my perception of my mundane and stagnant life, and i always failed to see how He remains faithful in any circumstances of my life. and moreover, He has the power to turn my life around!

i don't know try to be over-melancholic when talking about God. i can't help it - He touches the deepest of my heart and how can i supposed to react to that? it gets me sentimental.

a little note tho, faith is not merely about feelings - not something that gets you cry or jumps out for joy every single time. it is when you are fully convicted in yourself and your character and attitude changed to be Christ-like's.

i do not know what i might have missed out in the past times. i have lost and i have gained. and i could have lost many great things of this world, many. what i am sure of though, i do not want to miss out His presence in my life. those little things He speaks to me through people, through problems, through blessings, through hard times, through good times - and knowing He is faithful always in my life.

i am not giving up yet, Daddy.

dan aku tau nanti suatu hari.

(:

where does wisdom come from?

“We all know how silver seams the rocks,

    we’ve seen the stuff from which gold is refined,

We’re aware of how iron is dug out of the ground

    and copper is smelted from rock.

Miners penetrate the earth’s darkness,

    searching the roots of the mountains for ore,

    digging away in the suffocating darkness.

Far from civilization, far from the traffic,

    they cut a shaft,

    and are lowered into it by ropes.

Earth’s surface is a field for grain,

    but its depths are a forge

Firing sapphires from stones

    and chiseling gold from rocks.

Vultures are blind to its riches,

    hawks never lay eyes on it.

Wild animals are oblivious to it,

    lions don’t know it’s there.

Miners hammer away at the rock,

    they uproot the mountains.

They tunnel through the rock

    and find all kinds of beautiful gems.

They discover the origins of rivers,

    and bring earth’s secrets to light.

“But where, oh where, will they find Wisdom?

    Where does Insight hide?
Mortals don’t have a clue,
    haven’t the slightest idea where to look.
Earth’s depths say, ‘It’s not here’;
    ocean deeps echo, ‘Never heard of it.’
It can’t be bought with the finest gold;
    no amount of silver can get it.
Even famous Ophir gold can’t buy it,
    not even diamonds and sapphires.
Neither gold nor emeralds are comparable;
    extravagant jewelry can’t touch it.
Pearl necklaces and ruby bracelets—why bother?
    None of this is even a down payment on Wisdom!
Pile gold and African diamonds as high as you will,
    they can’t hold a candle to Wisdom.

“So where does Wisdom come from?
    And where does Insight live?
It can’t be found by looking, no matter
    how deep you dig, no matter how high you fly.
If you search through the graveyard and question the dead,
    they say, ‘We’ve only heard rumors of it.’

“God alone knows the way to Wisdom,
    he knows the exact place to find it.

He knows where everything is on earth,
    he sees everything under heaven.
After he commanded the winds to blow
    and measured out the waters,
Arranged for the rain
    and set off explosions of thunder and lightning,
He focused on Wisdom,
    made sure it was all set and tested and ready.
Then he addressed the human race: ‘Here it is!
    Fear-of-the-Lord—that’s Wisdom,
    and Insight means shunning evil.’”

-- JOB 28

bold love

when it is getting harder everyday to love life..

remember that there is someone who always puts up with you no matter what.

it is God (:

remember the cross?

it takes bold love to do that.

my old man

my everyday's highlight

and another thing is, i found this looovely baking blog - nom!

check it out, it's on your right hand side (:

i loved you, rosa.

You dream of everlasting love, but not me. 
Despite the horror and the sorrow, I love our world. 
I want us all to live. What matters is that we'll live.

lagi demen :>

it never gets too old

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a 

child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. 

But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

xx

above all

i knew it's coming. i knew that this is not something that is unexpected.

i want to admit that i let myself to drift away from Daddy lately. i, somehow, managed to entertain myself in a way that did not involve Him. i even started to see life just as it is -- never easy and messy, deal with it. i chose not to think over things that are important, because if it's real important, it is scary and it demands my responsibility and i have to make that accountable as well to either other people or God. it is too hard, i do not want to deal with it. i started to live my life daily as it is, which is not bad. i would say the days were horribly bleak nor jolly. but i definitely know, they felt empty. my soul felt empty (even when i know, He is still with me).

salvation is for all, but our faith is individual. no one can ever come up to others and blame them of what they did not believe. or simply by measuring others' faith based on what one sees. our eyes are limited, we all know that. there is, of course, tangible things that show how Christ lives in one's life, but who can tell what is in one's heart?

okay, let's just say, i feel like i made a lots of mistakes lately. i do not think i have been the best version of myself, well, there is no best-me anyway! silly brain. but well hey, the truth is, God's love to me is never depend on my spiritual behaviours -- if i do good, He loves me more; if i am being naughty, He won't love me as much -- no! it is not like that. He is love itself.

i somehow got frustrated with myself, knowing that how much i have heard the truth, but my flesh keeps giving in to sin. i know the truth, but i still need grace and mercy every single second!

they all say, keep yourself busy with work here - that will keep you sane.

i agree to that to some degree, because somehow, despite my love to all of those inanimate objects, fine clothes and good movies; they never let me stop. brutally said, they eat me in.

i love cool things. who does not? but sometimes, cool things are not always right. and the right things to do are sometimes the ones that i thought is lame. lets just throw this ego away. it drags me down, and leave me cocky all alone.

i do not want to cry out to God, when it is Christmas nor Easter. when every songs and sermons at church gets me teary or when the fairy lights makes me to ponder about life deeper. i do not want that.

i need you now, Daddy. i need you now.

not that kind

of girl i am intent to be :d

i want to write today

this time, is not because i want to whine, but because i realised i have been blessed tremendously. it is not also because i have no problems or big challenges in front of me, but because i have many. i am glad that they're there to transform me, build my character and shape my heart to be more and more like Jesus.

i like it if the Word can always be translated into practical things i face daily. i then know what i should do and what i should not. but, sometimes God's Word is as literal as it sounds -- hard truth, a warning, command, wisdom and simply the shouts of joy of His greatness! life is to be lived daily, with faith, with grace and mercy that is new every morning.

while things may look hard or future seems bleak, we can still hope in His promise. cause He is faithful and He is good.


NEVER QUIT.
God fullfils.

no more rants *hopefully

cause when i glance back,
i know He has taken me this far,
and i dont want to go back.

today is truly because of His grace (:

i miss the time when..

people talk face to face,

i remember your phone number by head,

photos are only for special occasion,

we do dressed up party,

friends are for life,

i have an address book,

we send christmas card to each other,

you send me a letter,

a cone of ice cream is a big treat,

everyone drives manual,

i can walk to your house,

midnight cinema is the coolest thing in town,


but,


we have to carry on.

some time

i feel i just died a little.

friends

are God's providence for your mental and physical being.


thank you for all of yous.
for the help, muscle power, entertainment and stupidity all together!

big hugs & love x

this is way too cute! :>

hope of that silver-lining

hello out there!


life has been busy and messy *literally* these days. i have been working, cleaning, packing and throwing things away most of the time. i have the tendency to keep some stuffs for too long sometimes. 

i came back to this page today not because i am feeling perfectly fine, neither that i am feeling crap so that i can do my rants here. no. i think i am over those moments, doing one of the extremes and telling the whole wide world about it.

i am here because i want to write a testimonial for my future-self, or maybe to you, my faithful reader of this non-existence blog (:


i found it overwhelming sometimes when God turn our life's direction to where we least expected. the last thing we wished it would never happened, our greatest fear or our impossible dream. 

"what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived; the things God has prepared for those who love him— these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit".

denial is my usual first response, i thought i have the control over my life. even somebody i know close, ever mentioned to me that i am a very controlled person. i controlled my emotion, my reaction. without me realising it, i wanted to control my life too! but God has a different plan for me.

“who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct Him?”

i do learnt that i can't tell God what to do. i can't always fit my plan like i wanted too. 

i need the Holy Spirit to take over control in my life!

obedience is not always nice :((


there were many things and still are, that i have to learn to submit all my ways to Him. every time i felt like giving up though, He always shows up and i know that is enough. His love soothes my heart, His peace calms me down, and His joy helps me to keep going.

if you asked me, am i scared?  of course i am!!

i know if it was not because of His grace and mercy, i would not be able to face and endure all things. this world is way too big and complex for me!! and yes, honestly, this is what i felt most of the time even after i knew that He gives me life for a purpose, a holy calling, a living sacrifice.

"therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. and we boast in the hope of the glory of God. not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us".

it got my asking then, how can i boast in the hope of the glory of God if my life did not get changed? how can i hope in something i don't even start pursuing? we can't only be a spectator to be able to see the glory of God, even so boasting in it?

and how do we hope on something if we already gained it? hoping is not an easy thing to do. hoping means surrendering yourself into something, fully believing that something good is going to happen; the glory of God will be shown.


how can we get to this point then? we should have a character of Christ. Jesus who brings hope to this world -- or if i can say He who has the biggest faith in humanity, all out of love.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."

so this is what i am telling my self to: learn to take pleasure in sufferings that i know will produce perseverance, that is: to build my character like Jesus, to be able to hope! and the great thing is, that hope does not put us to shame! and God has help us to love by giving Holy Spirit to work in each one of our hearts!

it is a lot to chew, i know.

but this is what i want to say; God is still working in your life! 

He knows exactly where you at, how you feel, what you are thinking, what you are planning to do, your thoughts on things, your struggles, your joy, your desires, your heart, to the very most intricate details!

it is never too late to start on this, we'll see that silver-lining.

His glory will be revealed and we'll be amazed.

x

bye march!

thank You for all the blessings i can not see.

thank You for all the things i can not have,
as they may bring harm to me.

thank You for all this quiet moments,
so that i have much time to ponder and think.

thank You for all the things i can not do,
i can see i am nothing without You.

thank You for all these low moments,
so that i can understand sorrows.

thank You for this job,
i do know what my passion is and You have kept me humble.

thank You for all the scratches and bruises,
so that i know i am not a robot.

thank You for this city,
it has been such a meaningful journey.

thank You for all of these times.

thank You for all the blessings i can not see.

there is always a beauty in simple and frail things.

i feel like my heart is about to burst....

i thought this was a normal Sunday for me, well, i woke up late, ran to a tram and successfully forgot to top up both of my mykis. i took the tram anyway. sinfully enough, i thank God for there was no any tram officer coming during my ride.

i ran to my booth as the service has already started when i reached church. i prayed shortly, hoping God would forgive me and bless me through my ministry.

then, it just happened right there. through the whole worship session, and the supposedly sermon session by pastor Ben, which turned into a worship session all along. i said to God; Daddy here i am. i just want to worship You today. and i was just swept away by His love. i knew He was there. i prayed to Him, i could not stop. suddenly i felt like He freed my heart; it was kind of like a very very vast field. i saw it. it is like that huge desert in Australia when you can't really see any boundaries.



something like that.
i feel free.

--

i have to admit that i was not in the super happy stage of my life. i am right on the cross road. i felt confused and afraid. i had been trying to entertained myself with so many things; movies recently. i read Bible and christian books but all seems so theoretical. what is wrong with me?

Daddy has given me His promise this year, that something exciting is about to happen. what is it? i started the first day of this year badly, i was sick. i slept through almost the whole time in 2013 day one. and just in the first week, i felt so bored. where is the excitement?

--

but then today, i realised.

i realised i have been taking everything on my own hand. i have been trying to carry all my worries and burdens all by myself. i tried to create my own excitement. i lost my passion. i stumbled, many times.
that is not what God wants to happen in my life! that is not what He promised me!

i tried to love like He loved, and failed. i tried to forgive like He forgave, and failed. i tried to be faithful like He always be, and failed. i tried my best to be His good daughter, and failed.

i need some intervention, a Holy one.

Lord, forgive me to doubt Your greatness that i have been using my potato-size brain to comprehend You, Your plan. that i don't live by faith but by sight, that i have been ignoring Holy Spirit to speak Your truth in my life.

“what no eye has seen,
    what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”
    the things God has prepared for those who love Him.

these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit.

1 Cor 2:9

that is Your truth Lord!!

i waited upon Him. i dropped every matters i still held on my heart. even the one that i would not dare to say to other people for it is so selfish and disgusting. i want to let it all go.

but He says, He loves me anyway!
He loves me so much even, that again, a great reminder to rejoice over my salvation. that He chose to save me even from when i was still in my mother's womb. it was just crazy.
i don't know how i can stop to say thank you. thank you so much, Daddy! thank you SO MUCH!!
i felt a deep gratitude in my heart, i feel like i am about to burst out of joy and peace and love! not that because i can, but He filled me up so graciously!

--

and as ci Yuli has shared also in FA last Friday,

²⁸ Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isa 40:28-31

--

and yes, He truly blessed me through my ministry. i don't know how many times i have been saying this, but it is such a great privilege to witness the whole congregation praising God and worshiping Him, for them to be freed, for them to be healed. it is such a great honour.

and as so it happened today too. i was blessed so much (:

--

HOPE IN THE LORD.
ALWAYS & FOREVER, DADDY. 
x