this is the story of my favourite song

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,

I wrote a song for you,

And all the things you do,

And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done,

And it was all yellow.

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into

Something beautiful,

Do you know,

You know I love you so,

You know I love you so.

I swam across,

I jumped across for you,

Oh what a thing to do.

'Cause you were all yellow,

I drew a line,

I drew a line for you,

Oh what a thing to do,

And it was all yellow.

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into

Something beautiful,

Do you know,

For you I'd bleed myself dry,

For you I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine.

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And all the things that you do.

--

for some reason i think that is the most romantic song ever. as i note that my favourite line is 'for you i'd bleed myself dry. i think, that is lovely and horrific at the same time. and as much as i would like someone to sing this to me one day, i think there would be none. there would be no one, really, in this entire universe that would literally bleed himself dry for me, except Jesus.

it sounds funny that how secular song, can actually remind me so much about God. how He put those stars in the sky for us, how He would go all the way to get to us. so much love, so much love.

x

turn your eyes

Would you stop doing whatever you are doing for a moment?

I read something along with this topic last week in my daily devotional plan. Lets then try to do this, I said to myself.

It was my usual kind of Sunday. I went to church, grabbed my coffee and sat on the third row of the risers in Sanctuary. I sat, put down my coffee and was planning to be in the service as usual. It was a very busy week for me, I had too many things going on. I felt like my fingers actually got stiffed because handling my mouse for long hours and my eyes were tired. I fell asleep just before 10 almost every day to compensate with my new routine of waking up early, and excercising! I did not want to think about it on Sunday, I'd say. I placed my heart there, just before the Lord. Lets take time and get my full attention for Him, I thought.

As we began to praise God and sang songs, I then felt a sudden blur where all things of this world were kind of disappeared for a moment. It was very peaceful, indescribeable kind of moment that honestly has not happen to me too often lately. Then the lyrics of this old song came to mind, "..and the things of the earth will go strangely dimmed, in the light of His glory and grace.."

And not so long after that, Pastor John came up to the stage. He was talking then about the same thing. He asked us who would we be without our wealth / our title / our deeds / our skills? Who are we in the eyes of God? When we are not to think about whatever happens around us... Who do we see God as? He then asked us to embrace His presence and just focus on Him.

Truly it is all always between us and the Lord. I felt tiny. I felt small yet I am grateful, that I took that time to think about Him.. to just being with Him and be in His presence. It was a beautiful moment. I completely un-see the other things been happening in my life that week. I saw Jesus and Jesus only for that second! Oh such a majestic Lord! King of kings, full of splendour crowned in glory. A truly magnificent God, He is!


And one thing I learn, when we are in tune with God's heart, Holy Spirit will reveal Jesus to us.. And it was kind of cool when the Holy Spirit told you the same thing with your pastor, means He is sooo real! Undeniably.




I believe that wherever you are, whatever church you might be in, those will not ever limit God's work in your life. He is always with you and He will keep talking to you, through His servants, through His people, through His Word, through songs, through quiet times, through problems.. only if you listen, only if you take time to put your eyes on Him.


Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face (:

live now

This is what the Lord says to Israel: 
“Seek me and live; 
do not seek Bethel, 
do not go to Gilgal, 
do not journey to Beersheba” 
-- Amos‬ ‭5‬:‭4-5‬

I had my Bethel. I remember that day when I first experience the tangible presence of God. I went to a prayer meeting at St Luke. My heart was crushed, I was down on my knees when He met me. Then, I clearly know for sure that He is real. I knew that my life is changed and will never be the same again.

I had my Gilgal. After years of being an on and offs Christian, after being tossed and confused for long. I finally set my heart to be a Christ follower, I chose to be baptised, buried off my old life and live a new.

I had my Bersheeba. When God gave me a place to call home for more than 7 years. A place where I have been shaped, fed and disciplined spiritually. I felt so blessed to have those time in my life and I would not do it differently even if I could.

What now then?
And now He says, "Seek Me and live!"

There are seasons in a lifetime and I came to realise that I had those time in Bethel, Gilgal and Bersheeba. And they are now ended.

It is not that I disregard those time, hey, they are the most crucial moments in my journey! But lingering there would take me no where, instead God wants us to move forward.

Seek Me. He says.

One thing that I knew, we are prone to seek for what we called 'spiritual experiences' 'jitters in our emotions' 'solemn crying sessions' 'vivid encounter with God' 'dreams visions prophecies' ... rather than... God Himself...

When we are now in different season in life, when things seem flat, when we go to less KKRs we tend to feel that our spiritual life is declining (or maybe it is just me?). Or maybe, we have this urge to meet thjs special pastor who could probably tell us what to do, and break down what God's plan is in our life. And don't get me wrong, all of those experiences are necessary, I would recommend you to be a part of ones.

Seek Me and live.

I have not wander this life for that long. But one thing for sure, to live is not an easy thing to do. It is getting tougher each day. You can be literally alive, being a functioning living creature and still not living. You can be enslaved to many things, things you may think would never enslave you.

What does it mean then to live in Christ?

Maybe it is something simpler; seeking Him in our daily life. Involving Him in every single thing we do. Spending time with Him in a personal devotion time (which is the hardest, I think). Learning His words. And truly let our flesh to be led by the one and only Holy Spirit.

You'd be surprised to see how God can take you to see things differently, experience things differently and how He lead you truly to be more and more like Him, not because you can, but because You let Him to do so.

Seek Him.
And live (:


x
e

new phase, new perspective

i am thankful.

to be where i am at for now, to be in this very place.
to enjoy my weekend with simpler meals, good laughs and fellowship.
to start monday with day jobs and various projects.
to do home chores, to spend time with mum and pop.

and it's not all perfect but i am glad for all of those things.

--

thank you dearest, Daddy! thank you for once again your shared truth in your church.
teach us to treasure Your truth and keep it alive and true in our lives.

i love You! :*

being small

i don't really like that sentence.

though i had it bothering my mind since the past months and even got it written down for a self-reminder.

think about those days, when you feel completely happy about yourself, almost proud - yet still aware that you shouldn't be too proud. when things went your way, or maybe not but you still got everything together. you are content. you feel superior. everything seems possible. sun shines on you as the main character, how delightful!

i had those days. i felt it all. but that was when i had those sentence popped in my head.

you are not that grand.

for one second i thought that i was god.

truth is, as everyone knows, i am not. instead, i am just a part of this massive universe. a little dot that is wandering on life venture on planet earth.

--

why me?
why not?

have been my favourite questions to God. i never quite understand why things happened in certain ways and why is it always something not so pleasant. as a little kid, we are always told for bright days to come, we dream high and we got our eyes to the skies. we believe in something good about to happen. however we all know when you hit, well, in your twenties and for some maybe earlier or later, that is not always the case. in fact, it is a true struggle for everyone of us to keep those perspective. we have been jotted down with unpleasant realities and limitations of things we want to do, things we dream of.

i made a joke to a friend the other day, that i would just bitterly laugh at my life at some point. that doesn't sound hopeful, does it? maybe instead of that, i would probably choose to laugh at my worry-ness upon many things. aha.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

as i should be..

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Prov 31:25

so, maybe being small is what i need to learn. 

You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low. 1 Sam 22:28

inevitable journey of life

So I have been staring at my room's wall for quite a while. Nothing, there is not a single thing there, just a plain white wall. I was trying to see and understand life. I can't find the answer on my wall.

I am a curious person. I don't actually talk that much but I do ask a lot of questions, especially to the ones I know for a long time. I tend to be annoying in this matter.

I always want an answer. A definite one, or at least some reasonings of this and that so I can stop thinking about those questions in my head.

I do question my faith too sometimes, eventhough as much as I know in the very core of my heart I am a changed person. I accepted Jesus Christ in my life as my Lord and my Savior and fully believe in His wonderful works in my life, yet I, admittedly questioning Him a lot still. Is this worth it? Does He really want me to do this or I just have to simply wait? I get biased sometimes. This happen occasionally when I am alone in the dark (literally) and then get to ponder these silly questions.

Why do I think this much, I once asked. Why cant I be someone who is content and be happy with whatever things I have known (well though maybe I would still be liking the How-to-s and whatever DIY), but you know, prolly a simpler person -- wait, that is not who I am right? There should be a further purpose why I am created in such way.

God always works in such an awesome wonder and little miracles in life. He works in a very mysterious way that threads through our mundane daily activities, people we met, books we read, things we see and the best one is when He Himself reveals His secrets to us through His words, in our hearts.

One revelation I have gotten recently was this;

It is never about how well our life is, it is about how we respond to every situation, that determines how true our faith is as Christ-followers.

That was a quite relief for me.

I asked a lot of questions to God, why this? why that? why did I? why didn't I? what do I do now? what is next? Simply because sometimes I unconsciously think that, when my life does not sorted as I expected, I got to fix it.

I can't fix lives, come on.

Only He can.

But I can change the way I respond to every situations that build life itself.

Rather than questioning and over-analysing every single details in my life, isn't it better to actually know His person, His heart, His love, then I would not have to question Him about everything. Cause I know He's good no matter what.

And it is safe to say that, the best way to travel in this journey of life, is to have it with Christ. Cause no matter how bumpy the road is, how roller-coaster-y our lives are, we got to grip on the One who's unshakeable, the one who saves, the one who makes every steps of the way worthwhile.

And for that, I love You.
x

what is your story?

But Jesus said, “No, go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been.” (Mark 5:19 -- The story of Demon-possesed Man)

ok, that struck me.

i was sitting in church this morning, shivered under april's scarf cause the aircon was too high, cold, as most of the time, when that passage opened my eyes real wide and i get to see everything more clearly.

the sermon was about the heart of mission, where we should have it first before stepping out to the crowds and tell people about Jesus. and how we sometimes overlook our closest surroundings to tell them about Jesus too. aren't we supposed to be the light wherever we go? and how do people know Jesus if we, who are already be saved, who has experienced His goodness, who had felt His deep love for us, never tell others about Jesus?

we, human, have been created with free will. we dream about big things, as we are told to. we want to be involved in large-scale things, great movement, grand plans! we said, that we want to be with Jesus every step of the way!

the demon-possesed man in Gerasene felt that too. after God set him free from demons, he asked Jesus if he can follow Him, he saw Jesus has done this huge miracles for his life. but Jesus said, no, instead, He told him to go back to his family and tell his family everything Jesus has done for him and how merciful Jesus has been!

wait, Jesus said no?

He did, because He wanted to send him for a mission, and first, for his family, for people in his home, in his city, in his circle.. for him to tell them: his story.

--

this is my story:

about 4 years ago, this was the biggest struggling in my life; i had to find a way to obtain a permanent residency in Australia. i had lived there for 5 years, and liking it. i enjoyed my college and university time, did explored many things, met so many friends and found the best coffee (and brunch) in the world! Melbourne was heaven.

that time i knew, my visa would run out soon. i was still working in a cafe, not any closer of getting a full-time job and i completely have no idea how i would sort this matter out :(

i prayed and prayed for many times, browsing though extensive list of texts on the net, trying to find that loop hole, a slightest chance for me to be able to stay in Melbourne. i consulted with couple of friends and i insisted on how i really do not want to go back to Indonesia, moreover Surabaya.

it is undeniably true, that i got serious with God in Melbourne. i have learnt so much about Him and His personality through many things and even experiencing myself His gracious love to me and tonnes of other stories i can't write them all in one go. so, yeah, it was hard for me to leave Melbourne.

but living in Melbourne was not God's plan for me.

He said no.

i was struggling for months, and i know my prayer changed through out those times. from 'please let me stay here' to 'give me some signs' to 'give me a heart for indonesia' and i tell ya now, He DOES ANSWER all of that -- clearest than what i was expected.

He gave me a new perspective in seeing things -- new eyes to see things i could never see before. a new goal, a new purpose, a new vision.

yes, here i am. never been more glad, to be living in Surabaya, Indonesia. it has been  almost 2 years - not without struggles. i am still trying to figure things out. i am back to lesson #1 in many things -- they are truly a humbling experience i must say.

but the thing is, i never felt that i am loving this country as much as i am before. Jesus shares His compassion for Indonesia with me (whaaattt!), and i never feel so broken-hearted seeing this country being so faraway from God. i believe that this is the work of Holy Spirit in my heart, cause it seemed very impossible to me. love this country, love your home town, love your people, that's how you love Me! He would say!

and surely one of them is to tell my parents about Jesus, how gracious and merciful He has been in my life. maybe not so literal, maybe i still not be able to tell them straight to their faces, but i hope my life could be a living testimony for them. because that's what i really long for them to know Jesus too.. how gracious and how merciful He is..

so, with all might, all heart, i humbly pray, that You keep continually working through me, o Holy Spirit! You are God every where, every time.

i know You're still writing my stories here, and they are to be shared (:

i am the jailer

so i came across with this passage from Matt Chandler's Daily Reading:

"While Paul engaged Lydia through her intellect, the slave girl through spiritual power, he engages the jailer through a living witness to a miracle." 

the devotional was taken from Acts 16:20-34, where Paul and Silas were taken to Roman prison because of their teachings (and previously, when he met Lydia and the demon-possessed girl). God worked through Paul and Silas, to save those people. The Gospel grabbed a hold on them in different ways, all to serve one purpose: to set them free, for them to receive salvation.

but, no, i am not going to talk about Paul today.

i think i could relate myself so well with the jailer. why?
okay. back to the chapter a bit:

v. 25-28
about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. at once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose. the jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!”

the jailer was a regular person with regular job, he has one purpose, one responsibility: to guard the prison. but when he taught he failed on his job, he immediately wanted to kill himself. he panicked and lost his purpose all at once.

i thought like that too.

sometimes i put on my own-fabricated identity as a person. i define myself to be as such and such. i am this kind of person with this kind of job, and i have this kind of personality and i always like this and that. and worse is, sometimes i acted that i am a good Christian -- even though i know i am not *jrengjrengggg* i created a persona of myself so that people perceive me as i want to be perceived. and of course, mostly it is something good (my standard).

problem is, when life throws me some problems, giving me difficulties or i simply slacking on doing what i planned to do; this best me would all shattered at once. either i would have a mental breakdown, or i became very negative and pity myself a lot. i would feel like i disappoint, i fail miserably, i can't be responsible.

why?

because i placed my identity on things i created myself. and they are vain, i tell you. creation can not mend itself -- only the creator can. sometimes it is very easy for us to forget our new identity in Christ. we are children of God, royal priesthood, created in His own image, chosen people, holy nation... should we then really live this rather than just knowing it?

(and yeah, really, do we really believe and live the word of God? do we?)

yes God has so many ways engaging us through many things, i know that He will be the one who constantly grabbing my hand when i am out of focus or shifted away from Him. He completely knows that i am sinful person, He knows my weaknesses. but His countless ways of saying 'come to me, nearer, nearer' have always amazed me and take me back to where i should be. the more i know how fickle i am as a human, the more i see His ABUNDANT GRACE and UNENDING LOVE to my life. this is just too overwhelming as always, how could He loves me so much?

thus, it doesn't mean that i would just be sitting pretty.
what could possibly be more important is

(more than) to know the Word,
live it.

and as always, we will find Him there.

thank you Daddy for your love, stays.
xx

animated

yap! i made fun about you many times :p

though sometimes

living my mid twenties, i realised there are some major changes (undeniably) happen in my life. things like how i like to spend my weekend laying low, how i loathe loud music and too many people,  how i lose my temper easily when driving, solo shopping time and how became more cynical towards many many things.

i tend to use less time for people, more for myself, just because i think i deserve it after one long week of busy crazy work activities. or simply because i said i wanted to polish my skills even more and use my time as efficient as possible. comfort and convenience are the keys.

what may seem oh-so-harmless thoughts and perspective, could then lead me into a self-centred life, selfishly re-creating myself to be the coolest person i can be. no. i do not want that.

as time passes, i also picked up a hard truth that sometimes the most admirable people are not the ones with the brightest brains, nor the richest ones, nor the most populars; none of them. 

i don't really understand the trend now (probably because of the age factor too), how every girl longs to be a fashion bloggers (no offence, i don't discredit you) though we girls love pretty things. we love pretty clothes and nice dresses, polished face and neat make up, to be able to pose oh so elegantly wrapped by those famous high-end brands. we love and adore beauty. but to be honest, i feel disturbed with this kind of trend..

we concern so much with what we have on the outside, we are obsessed by it. not only that, we are also obsessed with our brains, our smartness, our so limited thoughts on things. dressing well is sexy, being clever is sexy, confidence is sexy.. this is what the culture takes us nowadays. never once we thought about our soul?

this is one of my favourite verse from one of my favourite books in the bible..
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end".

Ecclesiastes 3:11

i did not understand the bold part before, but here it is. we are all human created by God, since we fell in to sin, there is this hole in our heart - longing for something more, for an eternity - that will never can be fulfilled or replaced by anything else in this world except God himself. this hole is here, to keep us clinging on to Him cause it will never be satisfied with anything else.

social media is crazy. i joked to ben and alice one day, telling them i should keep myself off from instagram so that i do not sin. my confession is that i stalked and judged a lot from it.

this jumbled up a little, my bad. the more i know the truth the more i became weirded out my many things in this world. the more i know the truth the more i know how messed up i am as everybody else in the world. not that i wanted to be a blogger too, or i envy those glittery things they have - no, but i do adore intelligence, i got intrigued by the smart chit chats just even to validate myself that i am coping up with them too, that i am one of them, that i am smart.

see how messed up i am?

bring me down on my knees again, Dear Daddy. help me to find that sanctuary in your presence and your presence alone. let me just look up to you alone Jesus, as the world keep dragging me weary, pulling myself to their wicked ways, daily! help me to cling on you. help me Holy Spirit to have a heart of repentance, daily, every single minute, teach me to have heart like Yours.

help me to understand the reality of your salvation - that You have truly redeemed me, all is done! and that You have loved me, even when i was still sinners. lead me to live in your path, may Your Words became the light that guide my steps. may You interfere and be involve in every single matter in my life. may i have an undivided heart to seek You and know Your truth, living it and practising it everyday of my life.

may you never stop in rebuking me in my wrong thoughts and flawed perspectives. may i have heart like Yours full of love, endless love, even for those i thought do not deserve. may You keep changing my life to be Christ-like, may it never end til the day i see you face to face.