inevitable journey of life

So I have been staring at my room's wall for quite a while. Nothing, there is not a single thing there, just a plain white wall. I was trying to see and understand life. I can't find the answer on my wall.

I am a curious person. I don't actually talk that much but I do ask a lot of questions, especially to the ones I know for a long time. I tend to be annoying in this matter.

I always want an answer. A definite one, or at least some reasonings of this and that so I can stop thinking about those questions in my head.

I do question my faith too sometimes, eventhough as much as I know in the very core of my heart I am a changed person. I accepted Jesus Christ in my life as my Lord and my Savior and fully believe in His wonderful works in my life, yet I, admittedly questioning Him a lot still. Is this worth it? Does He really want me to do this or I just have to simply wait? I get biased sometimes. This happen occasionally when I am alone in the dark (literally) and then get to ponder these silly questions.

Why do I think this much, I once asked. Why cant I be someone who is content and be happy with whatever things I have known (well though maybe I would still be liking the How-to-s and whatever DIY), but you know, prolly a simpler person -- wait, that is not who I am right? There should be a further purpose why I am created in such way.

God always works in such an awesome wonder and little miracles in life. He works in a very mysterious way that threads through our mundane daily activities, people we met, books we read, things we see and the best one is when He Himself reveals His secrets to us through His words, in our hearts.

One revelation I have gotten recently was this;

It is never about how well our life is, it is about how we respond to every situation, that determines how true our faith is as Christ-followers.

That was a quite relief for me.

I asked a lot of questions to God, why this? why that? why did I? why didn't I? what do I do now? what is next? Simply because sometimes I unconsciously think that, when my life does not sorted as I expected, I got to fix it.

I can't fix lives, come on.

Only He can.

But I can change the way I respond to every situations that build life itself.

Rather than questioning and over-analysing every single details in my life, isn't it better to actually know His person, His heart, His love, then I would not have to question Him about everything. Cause I know He's good no matter what.

And it is safe to say that, the best way to travel in this journey of life, is to have it with Christ. Cause no matter how bumpy the road is, how roller-coaster-y our lives are, we got to grip on the One who's unshakeable, the one who saves, the one who makes every steps of the way worthwhile.

And for that, I love You.
x

what is your story?

But Jesus said, “No, go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been.” (Mark 5:19 -- The story of Demon-possesed Man)

ok, that struck me.

i was sitting in church this morning, shivered under april's scarf cause the aircon was too high, cold, as most of the time, when that passage opened my eyes real wide and i get to see everything more clearly.

the sermon was about the heart of mission, where we should have it first before stepping out to the crowds and tell people about Jesus. and how we sometimes overlook our closest surroundings to tell them about Jesus too. aren't we supposed to be the light wherever we go? and how do people know Jesus if we, who are already be saved, who has experienced His goodness, who had felt His deep love for us, never tell others about Jesus?

we, human, have been created with free will. we dream about big things, as we are told to. we want to be involved in large-scale things, great movement, grand plans! we said, that we want to be with Jesus every step of the way!

the demon-possesed man in Gerasene felt that too. after God set him free from demons, he asked Jesus if he can follow Him, he saw Jesus has done this huge miracles for his life. but Jesus said, no, instead, He told him to go back to his family and tell his family everything Jesus has done for him and how merciful Jesus has been!

wait, Jesus said no?

He did, because He wanted to send him for a mission, and first, for his family, for people in his home, in his city, in his circle.. for him to tell them: his story.

--

this is my story:

about 4 years ago, this was the biggest struggling in my life; i had to find a way to obtain a permanent residency in Australia. i had lived there for 5 years, and liking it. i enjoyed my college and university time, did explored many things, met so many friends and found the best coffee (and brunch) in the world! Melbourne was heaven.

that time i knew, my visa would run out soon. i was still working in a cafe, not any closer of getting a full-time job and i completely have no idea how i would sort this matter out :(

i prayed and prayed for many times, browsing though extensive list of texts on the net, trying to find that loop hole, a slightest chance for me to be able to stay in Melbourne. i consulted with couple of friends and i insisted on how i really do not want to go back to Indonesia, moreover Surabaya.

it is undeniably true, that i got serious with God in Melbourne. i have learnt so much about Him and His personality through many things and even experiencing myself His gracious love to me and tonnes of other stories i can't write them all in one go. so, yeah, it was hard for me to leave Melbourne.

but living in Melbourne was not God's plan for me.

He said no.

i was struggling for months, and i know my prayer changed through out those times. from 'please let me stay here' to 'give me some signs' to 'give me a heart for indonesia' and i tell ya now, He DOES ANSWER all of that -- clearest than what i was expected.

He gave me a new perspective in seeing things -- new eyes to see things i could never see before. a new goal, a new purpose, a new vision.

yes, here i am. never been more glad, to be living in Surabaya, Indonesia. it has been  almost 2 years - not without struggles. i am still trying to figure things out. i am back to lesson #1 in many things -- they are truly a humbling experience i must say.

but the thing is, i never felt that i am loving this country as much as i am before. Jesus shares His compassion for Indonesia with me (whaaattt!), and i never feel so broken-hearted seeing this country being so faraway from God. i believe that this is the work of Holy Spirit in my heart, cause it seemed very impossible to me. love this country, love your home town, love your people, that's how you love Me! He would say!

and surely one of them is to tell my parents about Jesus, how gracious and merciful He has been in my life. maybe not so literal, maybe i still not be able to tell them straight to their faces, but i hope my life could be a living testimony for them. because that's what i really long for them to know Jesus too.. how gracious and how merciful He is..

so, with all might, all heart, i humbly pray, that You keep continually working through me, o Holy Spirit! You are God every where, every time.

i know You're still writing my stories here, and they are to be shared (:

i am the jailer

so i came across with this passage from Matt Chandler's Daily Reading:

"While Paul engaged Lydia through her intellect, the slave girl through spiritual power, he engages the jailer through a living witness to a miracle." 

the devotional was taken from Acts 16:20-34, where Paul and Silas were taken to Roman prison because of their teachings (and previously, when he met Lydia and the demon-possessed girl). God worked through Paul and Silas, to save those people. The Gospel grabbed a hold on them in different ways, all to serve one purpose: to set them free, for them to receive salvation.

but, no, i am not going to talk about Paul today.

i think i could relate myself so well with the jailer. why?
okay. back to the chapter a bit:

v. 25-28
about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. at once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose. the jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We are all here!”

the jailer was a regular person with regular job, he has one purpose, one responsibility: to guard the prison. but when he taught he failed on his job, he immediately wanted to kill himself. he panicked and lost his purpose all at once.

i thought like that too.

sometimes i put on my own-fabricated identity as a person. i define myself to be as such and such. i am this kind of person with this kind of job, and i have this kind of personality and i always like this and that. and worse is, sometimes i acted that i am a good Christian -- even though i know i am not *jrengjrengggg* i created a persona of myself so that people perceive me as i want to be perceived. and of course, mostly it is something good (my standard).

problem is, when life throws me some problems, giving me difficulties or i simply slacking on doing what i planned to do; this best me would all shattered at once. either i would have a mental breakdown, or i became very negative and pity myself a lot. i would feel like i disappoint, i fail miserably, i can't be responsible.

why?

because i placed my identity on things i created myself. and they are vain, i tell you. creation can not mend itself -- only the creator can. sometimes it is very easy for us to forget our new identity in Christ. we are children of God, royal priesthood, created in His own image, chosen people, holy nation... should we then really live this rather than just knowing it?

(and yeah, really, do we really believe and live the word of God? do we?)

yes God has so many ways engaging us through many things, i know that He will be the one who constantly grabbing my hand when i am out of focus or shifted away from Him. He completely knows that i am sinful person, He knows my weaknesses. but His countless ways of saying 'come to me, nearer, nearer' have always amazed me and take me back to where i should be. the more i know how fickle i am as a human, the more i see His ABUNDANT GRACE and UNENDING LOVE to my life. this is just too overwhelming as always, how could He loves me so much?

thus, it doesn't mean that i would just be sitting pretty.
what could possibly be more important is

(more than) to know the Word,
live it.

and as always, we will find Him there.

thank you Daddy for your love, stays.
xx

animated

yap! i made fun about you many times :p

though sometimes

living my mid twenties, i realised there are some major changes (undeniably) happen in my life. things like how i like to spend my weekend laying low, how i loathe loud music and too many people,  how i lose my temper easily when driving, solo shopping time and how became more cynical towards many many things.

i tend to use less time for people, more for myself, just because i think i deserve it after one long week of busy crazy work activities. or simply because i said i wanted to polish my skills even more and use my time as efficient as possible. comfort and convenience are the keys.

what may seem oh-so-harmless thoughts and perspective, could then lead me into a self-centred life, selfishly re-creating myself to be the coolest person i can be. no. i do not want that.

as time passes, i also picked up a hard truth that sometimes the most admirable people are not the ones with the brightest brains, nor the richest ones, nor the most populars; none of them. 

i don't really understand the trend now (probably because of the age factor too), how every girl longs to be a fashion bloggers (no offence, i don't discredit you) though we girls love pretty things. we love pretty clothes and nice dresses, polished face and neat make up, to be able to pose oh so elegantly wrapped by those famous high-end brands. we love and adore beauty. but to be honest, i feel disturbed with this kind of trend..

we concern so much with what we have on the outside, we are obsessed by it. not only that, we are also obsessed with our brains, our smartness, our so limited thoughts on things. dressing well is sexy, being clever is sexy, confidence is sexy.. this is what the culture takes us nowadays. never once we thought about our soul?

this is one of my favourite verse from one of my favourite books in the bible..
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end".

Ecclesiastes 3:11

i did not understand the bold part before, but here it is. we are all human created by God, since we fell in to sin, there is this hole in our heart - longing for something more, for an eternity - that will never can be fulfilled or replaced by anything else in this world except God himself. this hole is here, to keep us clinging on to Him cause it will never be satisfied with anything else.

social media is crazy. i joked to ben and alice one day, telling them i should keep myself off from instagram so that i do not sin. my confession is that i stalked and judged a lot from it.

this jumbled up a little, my bad. the more i know the truth the more i became weirded out my many things in this world. the more i know the truth the more i know how messed up i am as everybody else in the world. not that i wanted to be a blogger too, or i envy those glittery things they have - no, but i do adore intelligence, i got intrigued by the smart chit chats just even to validate myself that i am coping up with them too, that i am one of them, that i am smart.

see how messed up i am?

bring me down on my knees again, Dear Daddy. help me to find that sanctuary in your presence and your presence alone. let me just look up to you alone Jesus, as the world keep dragging me weary, pulling myself to their wicked ways, daily! help me to cling on you. help me Holy Spirit to have a heart of repentance, daily, every single minute, teach me to have heart like Yours.

help me to understand the reality of your salvation - that You have truly redeemed me, all is done! and that You have loved me, even when i was still sinners. lead me to live in your path, may Your Words became the light that guide my steps. may You interfere and be involve in every single matter in my life. may i have an undivided heart to seek You and know Your truth, living it and practising it everyday of my life.

may you never stop in rebuking me in my wrong thoughts and flawed perspectives. may i have heart like Yours full of love, endless love, even for those i thought do not deserve. may You keep changing my life to be Christ-like, may it never end til the day i see you face to face.

and again

cause I have been found myself again and again in a place of grace.

serenity. that is. a full confidence in the power and sovereignty of the Lord Jesus Christ that has sustained my life until today. faith that believes in His good plans for me and He will continually transforming my character to be more and more like Him.

everything that is good comes from the Lord. 

thank Him for what He has done yesterday.

praise Him for what He is doing today.

trust Him for what He will do tomorrow.