let me tell you a story..

change is hard

weeks after weeks, ive been nurturing my ego much. it might seem i didnt complain much like before but i know something is wrong with myself. i became very cynical about.. almost everything. and i did realise that yet i just put that thoughts aside cause i said, i got many other things to do. what did i end up with? nothing. i felt empty.

i want change.

okay, i was not so happy with things around me. no, its not so bad but i know i became slightly over sensitive about things i said: 'i dont like it' 'why?' 'i just dont like it'. and again, i just ignored every single thing that i dont like.

i want change.

people are disappointing as always but the person i got disappointed the most is myself. my self control was degrading while it seemed not. ughh.

i want change.

over capacity is my brain. it is occupied with too many plans, desires to have fun and premajor project. oh oh my. and i didnt have that much time again for.. God.

i want change.

expectations oh expectations! its never been enough for me. i always want something more from others and ive found myself to be the most horrible person ever; who always asks and never gives back. a sinful human nature i cant take away from myself.

i want change.

there s been a week when i found myself, awake, and began the day with grumbling and i had to 'ngesot' alot from my bed. its winter and its cold, but i didnt even have the enthusiasm to start the day.

i want change.


im tired. i give up complaining.
i told my Father: i dont know what to do :(

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" -- Psalm 55:22


now, there s no more time for complaining or to be grumpy about things. life isnt as pretty as it seems but its always worth living with smiles and grateful heart. and yes, change is hard. there is an extra thing you have to do if you really want it. its not by your own power by the way, a single step to do, go have yourself a quiet time with Him, talk to Him about everything. and just few days ago He told me this simple reminder: 'hey ellen, stop talking, stop complaining, then you ll be able to listen what I say'. and yes, that promise is true: He gives a peaceful heart that i always long for! (':

i cannot change myself by myself, i need Jesus to change me.


you want change?
start with a prayer.

ternyata menyenangkan

dont worry, everything is going to be amazing

i hold on to the promise.

drawing the future

i never thought things are going to be this serious before.
it is pretty obvious now that the thing i said to my self few years ago was quite true; we re kinda all by ourselves in this world huh? as a social living being, i do need interactions with others. but if we re talking about decision making in life, we have to do it by ourselves right?

i was probably 9. i went to this place called 'pasar atum', my mum was going to buy me a tshirt. she asked, "which one do you want?" i couldnt answer. i did not know which one is better, i dont have a preference. i rely on her so much just in choosing the print of a tshirt. i was afraid to make a decision.


14 years later.
ive been asked alot to answer the same question: "what do i want?"
i have to make a decision.

and to be honest. still not easy :x

in the past 5 years, ive been taught alot to be very much opinionated. do whatever you like, be realistic, know your limit, and work hard! but still, there s much boundary and limitation i have to face and deal with. its both good and bad. at some extend, it holds my feet on the ground, make me a less kooky person but my eyes are still set on the stars, the dreams.

what is gonna happen 5 years from now?
been planning on that :p
no, its not only because of prof prac, id do it eventually for my self record. and pretty much scary and exciting at the same time. so much about career plan, but somehow it is kinda a life plan too, woooah. work hard and crazy? yea i guess i will. i ll do have some fun too tho.

i promise myself that my life isnt all about this.
the substance of my life is not only about my career. if its so, i must be a very sad person. life is short and i dont think God will accept my design portfolio to enter Heaven haha. not good enough ellen, no.

i dont know what ll happen tomorrow, literally tomorrow; okay, its week 10 and im freaking out in heart, but, i know He holds my hand. He s been with me before, now, and later on. such a very reliable and trustworthy God who is quite funny at times and magnificent for He is the King.


so now,
i am imagining myself, trying to put on colours in my life together with God, the drawer. He is the one who sets the grand plan for my life, and yours too, i believe (:
one day, up up there in Heaven above, we ll see, it ll be very very beautiful!


casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.

we give thanks!

this is funny,
when i watched this talk from this random dude via ted, i got some insight:

the reason why you believe in something, determines many great things.

and there s only one thing i wanna keep believe in: Jesus Christ.

why?
He has died on the cross for me so that i am saved now :''')
it is more than enough.




dont complain.
be thankful.
keep praying.
you may have a peaceful heart <3

bebek jelek

sepanjang hari bersama bebek. plus chai latte, plus hot chocolate yg bikin gw merasa cupu.
at least ada sedikit improvement dari 3 taon yg lalu.
bebek abu2 terlihat sedikit lebih pintar daripada bebek kuning berwajah retarded.

*eneg*
tidur ah!

if i say, "surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
-- psalm 139:11-12

i thought these wings are for flying?

despite the awesome night with this mayer dude,



it really broke my heart to hear a 'no' answer straight away.
i havent even begin anything.

i dont understand :''(

friends

sometimes we just talk,
we re 'nyambung'

then we become friends (: