change is hard

weeks after weeks, ive been nurturing my ego much. it might seem i didnt complain much like before but i know something is wrong with myself. i became very cynical about.. almost everything. and i did realise that yet i just put that thoughts aside cause i said, i got many other things to do. what did i end up with? nothing. i felt empty.

i want change.

okay, i was not so happy with things around me. no, its not so bad but i know i became slightly over sensitive about things i said: 'i dont like it' 'why?' 'i just dont like it'. and again, i just ignored every single thing that i dont like.

i want change.

people are disappointing as always but the person i got disappointed the most is myself. my self control was degrading while it seemed not. ughh.

i want change.

over capacity is my brain. it is occupied with too many plans, desires to have fun and premajor project. oh oh my. and i didnt have that much time again for.. God.

i want change.

expectations oh expectations! its never been enough for me. i always want something more from others and ive found myself to be the most horrible person ever; who always asks and never gives back. a sinful human nature i cant take away from myself.

i want change.

there s been a week when i found myself, awake, and began the day with grumbling and i had to 'ngesot' alot from my bed. its winter and its cold, but i didnt even have the enthusiasm to start the day.

i want change.


im tired. i give up complaining.
i told my Father: i dont know what to do :(

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" -- Psalm 55:22


now, there s no more time for complaining or to be grumpy about things. life isnt as pretty as it seems but its always worth living with smiles and grateful heart. and yes, change is hard. there is an extra thing you have to do if you really want it. its not by your own power by the way, a single step to do, go have yourself a quiet time with Him, talk to Him about everything. and just few days ago He told me this simple reminder: 'hey ellen, stop talking, stop complaining, then you ll be able to listen what I say'. and yes, that promise is true: He gives a peaceful heart that i always long for! (':

i cannot change myself by myself, i need Jesus to change me.


you want change?
start with a prayer.