Okay. I just have to right.

At least this is for my future self's sake.

Never in my lifetime I would imagined that there would be a time like this. A pandemic that affects the entire world! (well maybe not those in the Sentinels), but yea, most of us really.

It started with a fear. Like the fear of the unknown, as if we were part of the plots in sci-fi movie. Everyone was freaking out at the same time, I too, found myself checking how many people got infected every day, how many people died that day. Those was for like what, 2-3 solid weeks?! Was I nuts? Maybe I was. I found it hard to sleep at night, I pushed myself to watch movies / docos anything really to take me away from thinking about the pandemic for a bit. And that frustrated me too.

I went frantic with cooking, sewing, thinking about those DIY things I could possibly do during quarantine time. Yet on the back of my head, I was stressing out about how to pay the bills and salary for work. Messy. And messy.

As the world goes quiet, we are then in a war inside ourselves. And it is mental. It is spiritual. It's all over until your whole body aches cause you sleep too late and too much.

But then, this came right in the other day.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; 
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love, 
at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life.

Why do I care so much for things that I can't control?

The waves and the hustle in life  are always going to be there, call it pandemic, call it something else. It would still be able to eat us up and drag us down. But it's just we are all in the same page now.

But His love doesn't stop there, even with winds, and the crazy storm we are in; even Himself is mightier than any of those. God is MIGHTY. And I am just so assured with that.

The question is, shall we call on Him now?

Shall we run to Him?

When we call upon His name, when we search Him with all of our hearts, even the storm can't stop Him to meet us. He will meet us where we are.

He will come.

He will direct.

He will be with us.

Because He is the God of our life.

the secret place

It is 2019.

I am back here guys. And I have been having this urge for couple of days now, to jot down my thoughts that I do not want to forget.

These past few years has been a hard rollercoaster time for me spiritually. It is not that I have stopped coming to church or losing my belief. But it just has been hard. It has been hard to truly believe that God still cares, both in my heart and my head. I would feel dry and maybe, sometimes, maybe feel a bit refreshed, for like... two or three days max. Then all the bleak and shadows come again. The air is never clear.

Everything feels ordinary. Mediocrity seems fine. That is just life as it is.

Bleak. Dull. Foggy.

And, really. It's not that I am not grateful about all the blessings I have received. I am happy about that. But I am never 100% convinced. It's like I am 99% grateful. My gratitude comes like a morning dew. It lasts only for a while.

Why is that though?

I am thinking, where's that first love? Where's that heart that longing for Christ? That is truly truly wanting Him to settle in my whole being. My head and my heart.

I learn to adult these days. To take one bite at a time. One step at a time. Not without doubts. Doubts are always there. But I learn to take less control. I learn to trust more.

Dang it is hard.

It is like walking on a tight rope, full of risks, tensions and sometimes, fear.

And I am looking for a shelter. I place of refuge. But this time, not to cry.
This time, I would like to do things differently. I want to learn to trust.
To let be shielded. To obey. To just sometimes, sit still in Your presence.
To sing. To just worship for who You are. To make time to be in the secret place.
To be restored, to be renewed.

Both. My heart and my head.

white shoes story

I was cleaning my white canvas shoes last weekend (for the third time already), when I got suddenly reminded that; my life is like a white shoes.

I am not the kind of person who has white white shoes. You know, they’ve been in trend in the last couple of years when people wear them to the malls. My white shoes never remain white for long. I either walk on their back soles, kicked something with them or simply having dirt and dust all around it. And I am not the one who clean them regularly.

So is my life. I know I am not the best one in getting my life organised, as much as I like to be in control of things like most people do, I always like the idea to improvise. Hence, my life is like my shoes.

I realised then, oh how I need God to cleanse my life constantly! It is true, when they say, once you got older, life is harder. It’s harder to stick with your idealism, your belief and your values. It’s harder to get your perspective aligned for quite a long time. It’s harder if you try to do it by yourself. And yea, self determination can only go that far.

I need God in my life. I need Him to get my views corrected, my mind untangled, my heart purified. And the more I know the truth, the more I realise how wicked sin is! How sneaky the devil is to push our eyes away from Him.

My white shoes came up quite clean, except on a few spots there are marks that can be washed away, due to: I left them dirty for too long. So yea, the white shoes imagery stuck in my head for couple of days already. Me, trying to figure out what it means.

Until today.

I have been coming to these prayer nights for few days already. Not knowing what to expect or pray, I just wanted to come. I feel I needed to come. So I tell mum, yea I am going to be out for prayers this whole week.

But I felt lazy today.

I laid myself on my bed after shower, it was already quarter to 7, 15 mins away before the prayer starts. I haven’t eat. I still need to drive to church which is 10 mins away from where I live. I dragged myself to come anyway.

I am glad I did come.

God spoke to me through the sharing given today (bless you Lev, you are gifted). Just a confirmation once again from the Lord, about the white shoes. I looked down and saw myself wearing my white shoes. Then suddenly the impression I have in mind came alive. And you know, being Christian, you might think this kind of epiphany sound so cliche. Yes it is cliche. But I believe it is how the Holy Spirit speaks to me, a whole new understanding and realisation of how messy my life is and how great my God is! I need this refreshment over and over again. So I pray that You may cleanse my heart once again, o Lord. And what’s great about God is, that no matter how long you have all those marks on those shoes, God is able to cleanse everything as they are new! Better than any detergen, baking sodas and hydrogen peroxide (think not about getting this stuff on to your hand). No. He wipes away our sin completely with His love. When we go down and pray and seek Him wholeheartedly, He will make Himself found. That is the heart of God for us. That is what He promises us.

So dear Daddy, thank you for the white clean shoes. Thank you for purifying my heart once again, making it new once again - so that I may live a life full of passion for You. Every day is a day with You Lord, every day you ignite Your passion in me.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
-- Psalm 51:10

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.
-- Jeremiah 36:26-27

a car ride

You remind me of my dreams.

You remind me that goodness still exists in every situation.

You remind me that Your love is the greatest among all.

You refill my heart with joy and and my life with love.

So, though I don't have it all, I can say that You are GOOD.

And this unexplainable gratitude in my heart stays here.

You make all things brand new.

You make me look things beyond what it seems.

Faith to see your purpose behind every living being.

A fresh air to my heart.

A lovely tune to my ear.

And I will remember today.

You uplift me spontaneously.

You love me genuinely.

we have enough

ok, there are couple of thoughts i have in my mind that i need to jot down as soon as possible before i forget them.

24 hour a day is enough for you. God gives us 24 hours per day, to work, to eat, to rest, to chill, to do what He wants us to do. what we don't realise is, sometimes we do too much of something God didn't ask us to do. Though it may not be completely wrong or unkind, but i came into a realisation, that me trying to smash together every single thing people ask me to do. that is no good.
i know this is not my first time dealing with such issue;

"i'm exhausted"
"i didn't have enough time"
"leave me alone"
"ok, fine then. i'd just secretly die"
"yeah, one hour won't hurt"
"poor her, i got to keep her a company"

no. ellen. you should stop.
you can't fit in everyone's request into your daily timetable every single time (plus you're not so good with time management). and it is ok to say no. it is ok to say that you need a rest too. you know that it will cost you your time especially with your closest people around. you don't want to do that.

true that sometimes, there is circumstance that makes it inevitable to say no and you got to make some adjustment or sacrifice. but hey, set your priorities first.

you can't help people if you're tired. you won't be able to minister if you are knackered. you will not do anything right if you are sleep deprived. you'd become angry, sensitive and burdened. you should know when you should stop and know where you draw your strength from.

i decided to come in early that morning, i wasn't quite sure what i was looking for. i just felt that something isn't too right with my heart. but i came anyway.

sang and sang. and how gracious and loving You are - You spoke to me and i listened.

"all fear removed
i breathe You in
i lean into Your love
oh Your love"

then i suddenly see, what i need despite all the mess and the busyness that haunt me the past few weeks, is just You love. knowing for certain, that You love me.

that's all i need.
that's where i draw my strength from.

classic; known; reminded once again.

thank You, Daddy.

oh hey, hello

leave to God what is beyond your hands.

let go on things that you can't get hold of anymore.

use your talents fully as He gave you those with purpose.

be kind, always thinks such lovely things.

take risk, yolo, really ellen, just YOLO for once.

always brings everything into prayers; prayer is the breath of your spiritual life.

read more, put your phone down - it has to last til the iphone 7s series comes out.

work hard, work smart, have fun!

and be that person that people took note, "she has been with Jesus"

--

unending faithfulness

day by day
i walk my tiny feet around this globe
not too far, not too strong

i stumble, i fell
and sometimes i just don't know what to do
i could have cried but i chose to laugh instead
for my ways are silly

but Daddy, never once you look away from me
you keep watching over me
when i sleep, when i am awake
my thoughts, you know them all

get lost, my heart!
let go and put it down in God's gracious love
get it washed away
get it clean again

when i am weak, You are strong
when i am poor, You are rich
let only praises for You came out from my mouth
let me sing Your goodness always
because You are God, because You deserve it

You are all i want.
i love You, Daddy.

It's been very overwhelming for me. and to be honest I am not sure if anyone felt the same way about this. But I am truly thankful that the little voice of Yours, still speaks inside of me. You are here. We are in this together.


And for that I thank You.

--


My heart a storm, clouds raging deep within
The Prince of peace came bursting through the wind
The violent sky held its breath
And in Your light I found rest

Tearing through the night
Riding on the storm
Staring down the fight
My eyes found Yours

Shining like the sun
Striding through my fear
The Prince of peace
Met me there
You heard my prayer

Hope like the sun, light piercing through the dark
The Prince of peace came and broke into my heart
The violent cross, the empty grave
And in Your light I found grace

Tearing through the night
Riding on the storm
Staring down the fight
My eyes found Yours

Shining like the sun
Striding through my fear
The Prince of peace
Met me there
You're always there
And You hear my prayer

Your love surrounds me
When my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror
There Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow
God I know Your light will meet me there

When fear comes knocking
There You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble
There You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle
God I know Your peace will meet me there
(Again and again)

Oh, be still my heart
I know that You are God
Oh fear no evil
For I know You are here

And my soul will know Your love surrounds me
When my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror
There Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow
God I know Your light will meet me there
And my soul will know

When fear comes knocking
There You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble
There You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle
God I know Your peace will meet me there

Oh, be still my heart
And my soul will ever know that You are God
And You heard my prayer

what the sun tells me about

i like taking pictures of the sky.
it was my favourite past time.

i love sunsets. i enjoy looking at the sky paints it thousand pictures every minute. i love it when the sun rays, as it goes down, reflecting its light among the clouds around it. or maybe sometimes, it just reflects to the sky itself. it creates a warm yellow, sometimes orange-ish colour, sometimes light pink - that blends so beautifully with the ultramarine blue sky.

and just after this past year after i commit myself waking up early(-er), i start to notice sunrise as well. lucky me i live in a house heading to the east, and my room has a huge window that heads east too. i like the warmth of the sun rays in the morning. it has a kind of soft orange colour, it looks very bright yet calming at the same time.

i do enjoy its beauty.

but there was this one time, few weeks ago.. i was driving alone during twilight, well, not quite yet.. and as usual i look at the sky. it was so beautiful, it was pink, blue, yellow and orange all at once. all colours seem to synchronise together so harmoniously. it struck me -- to me it was God cheering me up! i was just suddenly stunned to think that, how if God gives us sunset to cheer us up after a long day at work and sunrise to greet us in the morning? and He gives it for everyone to see!

having to see the sun itself already means it is a new day. a new blessing from Him that we are still breathing. and to paint the sky so beautifully? it is His gift for us!

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they reveal knowledge.

They have no speech, they use no words;

no sound is heard from them.

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,

their words to the ends of the world.

In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.

It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,

like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

It rises at one end of the heavens

and makes its circuit to the other;

nothing is deprived of its warmth.

great is Your faithfulness oh Lord!

love

What is love?

Many always see it as an idea of romantic relationship. A flower, a gift, a selfie together, declares love’s grandeur concept. It is true that loving feelings are a gift indeed. You don’t always experience that with everyone, it takes someone special, some one who means a lot to you. It is something that takes time to grow and flourish.

I, have ever seriously questioning the meaning of love, few years back. I was both confused and curious on how the concept of love is translated. Not that I have an unhappy childhood or bad experience in love (well, not to that point). But I asked myself whether love has more meanings than that.

Yes, that.

When someone holds your hand.

Late night conversations.

Exchanging gifts.

--

Love starts by giving. And it stops when nothing more is received.

I ended up with that conclusion at first. I may seem to overthink this matter so much, hey? Don’t we all though, have ever think about it too?

I do not know since when, I realized that my faith means so much for me. Why does it always have to go back to this, you may ask. Cause it was all begin from it. Faith took me here. When life has take over, I begin to truly understand why I need Jesus in my life.

There’s always going to be this void inside all of us. You know, the drive for something. The desire. We have all fallen, and we know that we are not perfect. And we want that ‘cushion’ that bit where we can lay our head to, that voice that tells us everything is going to be OKAY.

Love gives us that.

--

God is love, but don’t make love as your god.

It’s Valentine today. Everyone seems to be a bit cheery, maybe because of the chocolates, or simply because we singles don’t want to look too pathetic today. We still got it.  We are fine, world.

I am though, grateful.  I know the Lord loves me, as He has given himself for me. A true meaning of love itself – when somebody laid down his life for you.

I am amazed. How He would even care for to know my desires. That He won’t laugh at my dreams. That He still gives me the miracle of life every morning when I open my eyes.

I feel safe – knowing that He is mighty. That He is God who can do the impossible, until this day. That He is a God who still answers prayers and care for your matters.

I am glad. That He is faithful, even when I am not. That He is steadfast and constant in my life.

He is Saviour, He is my rock.

He is Jesus and He is love.

faith

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrew 11:1

Sounds familiar? Yeah I heard it since sunday school time and it has never rang this loud until yesterday.

What differs us from others by being Christian?

We have the same problems, we struggle over similar matters, we want the same things as most people do and we are as messed up as everyone. I have currently experience the same thing. I freaked out every time I look at my calendar. Indeed, time waits for no one. We are always too busy doing things, and think that a day needs more hours as well as our weeks, our months, our years. But hey, who are we thinking we can control the time?

I recently checked my whatsapp as well, last late night convos with a friend doesn't sound too hopeful either. I skimmed through things I said, and laughed at it. Silly.

Problems are real, bad days are not a myth, and some cray cray situations making me a-not-so-decent human being. Ugh.

But somehow, some way, in this desperate situation where I wished things would change and miracles would just happen; I still hear a little voice inside my heart saying, "have faith". Have that little faith, as tiny as that mustard seed, when you have it, you can move mountains. You just have to believe.

When we rely much on our confidence in ourselves, we would always get disappointed. No one could ever give us assurance in this ever-moving life. And on the first verse of Hebrew 11, this was described clearly.

FAITH is the CONFIDENCE in what we HOPE for and ASSURANCE about what we DO NOT SEE.

and it goes on..

verse 6:

"And WITHOUT FAITH it is IMPOSSIBLE to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must BELIEVE that He EXISTS and that He REWARDS those who EARNESTLY SEEK Him"

 Shouldn't you ever know this truth len?

Yes, I do. But really, who are we without Holy Spirit. I would never realised this much sooner without Him bugging myself to open the bible. I would not be able to write this if He's not the one who gave me the revelation. I would not then believe this truth if He did not put this conviction in my heart!

Really, oh Father, swipe me once again in Your love, for you are gracious and loving. And you will never leave me when I drifted away. You are faithful even when I am not faithful. You believe in me even when I don't believe in You.

Thank You Jesus, Thank You Holy Spirit, to reveal this gem to me once again. To put faith into my heart, so I may fully trust in You. May I live a life that honours You and pleases You. May everything I do reflects Your love to us all.

Only to You, be the glory.

x

begin again

ok, let's just admit it. it's one of those days - i feel crap and i have an off perspective on everything. rather than joining the parade of positive new year captions on instagram, i found my whole being is just under the weather, mentally, physically, spiritually.

i have so many unanswered questions in my head, though as mum said, "you don't have to know everything". and i get that, but sometimes i just want things right here right now, my way my want. i came back to being age 5.

i hope you don't lecture me on this, i know. i know it's wrong and i already know what i am supposed to do. i need to take a deep breath, kneel down and surrender it all to the one and only; my Jesus, my God my Saviour.

dear Daddy, so that, for now, let me just rest in your arms; knowing that it all would be alright, and i truly know that i am deeply loved. and in time, i will have that strength to begin again. to stand up again, to give all i am to your perfect plans.

in your perfect time, through your perfect hand.

ps. future me, i just want you to be able to remember this day. and see, see how God always comes through for He is able and He only gives the best for you.

x

this is the story of my favourite song

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,

I wrote a song for you,

And all the things you do,

And it was called "Yellow".

So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done,

And it was all yellow.

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into

Something beautiful,

Do you know,

You know I love you so,

You know I love you so.

I swam across,

I jumped across for you,

Oh what a thing to do.

'Cause you were all yellow,

I drew a line,

I drew a line for you,

Oh what a thing to do,

And it was all yellow.

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into

Something beautiful,

Do you know,

For you I'd bleed myself dry,

For you I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine.

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And all the things that you do.

--

for some reason i think that is the most romantic song ever. as i note that my favourite line is 'for you i'd bleed myself dry. i think, that is lovely and horrific at the same time. and as much as i would like someone to sing this to me one day, i think there would be none. there would be no one, really, in this entire universe that would literally bleed himself dry for me, except Jesus.

it sounds funny that how secular song, can actually remind me so much about God. how He put those stars in the sky for us, how He would go all the way to get to us. so much love, so much love.

x

turn your eyes

Would you stop doing whatever you are doing for a moment?

I read something along with this topic last week in my daily devotional plan. Lets then try to do this, I said to myself.

It was my usual kind of Sunday. I went to church, grabbed my coffee and sat on the third row of the risers in Sanctuary. I sat, put down my coffee and was planning to be in the service as usual. It was a very busy week for me, I had too many things going on. I felt like my fingers actually got stiffed because handling my mouse for long hours and my eyes were tired. I fell asleep just before 10 almost every day to compensate with my new routine of waking up early, and excercising! I did not want to think about it on Sunday, I'd say. I placed my heart there, just before the Lord. Lets take time and get my full attention for Him, I thought.

As we began to praise God and sang songs, I then felt a sudden blur where all things of this world were kind of disappeared for a moment. It was very peaceful, indescribeable kind of moment that honestly has not happen to me too often lately. Then the lyrics of this old song came to mind, "..and the things of the earth will go strangely dimmed, in the light of His glory and grace.."

And not so long after that, Pastor John came up to the stage. He was talking then about the same thing. He asked us who would we be without our wealth / our title / our deeds / our skills? Who are we in the eyes of God? When we are not to think about whatever happens around us... Who do we see God as? He then asked us to embrace His presence and just focus on Him.

Truly it is all always between us and the Lord. I felt tiny. I felt small yet I am grateful, that I took that time to think about Him.. to just being with Him and be in His presence. It was a beautiful moment. I completely un-see the other things been happening in my life that week. I saw Jesus and Jesus only for that second! Oh such a majestic Lord! King of kings, full of splendour crowned in glory. A truly magnificent God, He is!


And one thing I learn, when we are in tune with God's heart, Holy Spirit will reveal Jesus to us.. And it was kind of cool when the Holy Spirit told you the same thing with your pastor, means He is sooo real! Undeniably.




I believe that wherever you are, whatever church you might be in, those will not ever limit God's work in your life. He is always with you and He will keep talking to you, through His servants, through His people, through His Word, through songs, through quiet times, through problems.. only if you listen, only if you take time to put your eyes on Him.


Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face (:

live now

This is what the Lord says to Israel: 
“Seek me and live; 
do not seek Bethel, 
do not go to Gilgal, 
do not journey to Beersheba” 
-- Amos‬ ‭5‬:‭4-5‬

I had my Bethel. I remember that day when I first experience the tangible presence of God. I went to a prayer meeting at St Luke. My heart was crushed, I was down on my knees when He met me. Then, I clearly know for sure that He is real. I knew that my life is changed and will never be the same again.

I had my Gilgal. After years of being an on and offs Christian, after being tossed and confused for long. I finally set my heart to be a Christ follower, I chose to be baptised, buried off my old life and live a new.

I had my Bersheeba. When God gave me a place to call home for more than 7 years. A place where I have been shaped, fed and disciplined spiritually. I felt so blessed to have those time in my life and I would not do it differently even if I could.

What now then?
And now He says, "Seek Me and live!"

There are seasons in a lifetime and I came to realise that I had those time in Bethel, Gilgal and Bersheeba. And they are now ended.

It is not that I disregard those time, hey, they are the most crucial moments in my journey! But lingering there would take me no where, instead God wants us to move forward.

Seek Me. He says.

One thing that I knew, we are prone to seek for what we called 'spiritual experiences' 'jitters in our emotions' 'solemn crying sessions' 'vivid encounter with God' 'dreams visions prophecies' ... rather than... God Himself...

When we are now in different season in life, when things seem flat, when we go to less KKRs we tend to feel that our spiritual life is declining (or maybe it is just me?). Or maybe, we have this urge to meet thjs special pastor who could probably tell us what to do, and break down what God's plan is in our life. And don't get me wrong, all of those experiences are necessary, I would recommend you to be a part of ones.

Seek Me and live.

I have not wander this life for that long. But one thing for sure, to live is not an easy thing to do. It is getting tougher each day. You can be literally alive, being a functioning living creature and still not living. You can be enslaved to many things, things you may think would never enslave you.

What does it mean then to live in Christ?

Maybe it is something simpler; seeking Him in our daily life. Involving Him in every single thing we do. Spending time with Him in a personal devotion time (which is the hardest, I think). Learning His words. And truly let our flesh to be led by the one and only Holy Spirit.

You'd be surprised to see how God can take you to see things differently, experience things differently and how He lead you truly to be more and more like Him, not because you can, but because You let Him to do so.

Seek Him.
And live (:


x
e

new phase, new perspective

i am thankful.

to be where i am at for now, to be in this very place.
to enjoy my weekend with simpler meals, good laughs and fellowship.
to start monday with day jobs and various projects.
to do home chores, to spend time with mum and pop.

and it's not all perfect but i am glad for all of those things.

--

thank you dearest, Daddy! thank you for once again your shared truth in your church.
teach us to treasure Your truth and keep it alive and true in our lives.

i love You! :*

being small

i don't really like that sentence.

though i had it bothering my mind since the past months and even got it written down for a self-reminder.

think about those days, when you feel completely happy about yourself, almost proud - yet still aware that you shouldn't be too proud. when things went your way, or maybe not but you still got everything together. you are content. you feel superior. everything seems possible. sun shines on you as the main character, how delightful!

i had those days. i felt it all. but that was when i had those sentence popped in my head.

you are not that grand.

for one second i thought that i was god.

truth is, as everyone knows, i am not. instead, i am just a part of this massive universe. a little dot that is wandering on life venture on planet earth.

--

why me?
why not?

have been my favourite questions to God. i never quite understand why things happened in certain ways and why is it always something not so pleasant. as a little kid, we are always told for bright days to come, we dream high and we got our eyes to the skies. we believe in something good about to happen. however we all know when you hit, well, in your twenties and for some maybe earlier or later, that is not always the case. in fact, it is a true struggle for everyone of us to keep those perspective. we have been jotted down with unpleasant realities and limitations of things we want to do, things we dream of.

i made a joke to a friend the other day, that i would just bitterly laugh at my life at some point. that doesn't sound hopeful, does it? maybe instead of that, i would probably choose to laugh at my worry-ness upon many things. aha.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:34

as i should be..

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Prov 31:25

so, maybe being small is what i need to learn. 

You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low. 1 Sam 22:28

inevitable journey of life

So I have been staring at my room's wall for quite a while. Nothing, there is not a single thing there, just a plain white wall. I was trying to see and understand life. I can't find the answer on my wall.

I am a curious person. I don't actually talk that much but I do ask a lot of questions, especially to the ones I know for a long time. I tend to be annoying in this matter.

I always want an answer. A definite one, or at least some reasonings of this and that so I can stop thinking about those questions in my head.

I do question my faith too sometimes, eventhough as much as I know in the very core of my heart I am a changed person. I accepted Jesus Christ in my life as my Lord and my Savior and fully believe in His wonderful works in my life, yet I, admittedly questioning Him a lot still. Is this worth it? Does He really want me to do this or I just have to simply wait? I get biased sometimes. This happen occasionally when I am alone in the dark (literally) and then get to ponder these silly questions.

Why do I think this much, I once asked. Why cant I be someone who is content and be happy with whatever things I have known (well though maybe I would still be liking the How-to-s and whatever DIY), but you know, prolly a simpler person -- wait, that is not who I am right? There should be a further purpose why I am created in such way.

God always works in such an awesome wonder and little miracles in life. He works in a very mysterious way that threads through our mundane daily activities, people we met, books we read, things we see and the best one is when He Himself reveals His secrets to us through His words, in our hearts.

One revelation I have gotten recently was this;

It is never about how well our life is, it is about how we respond to every situation, that determines how true our faith is as Christ-followers.

That was a quite relief for me.

I asked a lot of questions to God, why this? why that? why did I? why didn't I? what do I do now? what is next? Simply because sometimes I unconsciously think that, when my life does not sorted as I expected, I got to fix it.

I can't fix lives, come on.

Only He can.

But I can change the way I respond to every situations that build life itself.

Rather than questioning and over-analysing every single details in my life, isn't it better to actually know His person, His heart, His love, then I would not have to question Him about everything. Cause I know He's good no matter what.

And it is safe to say that, the best way to travel in this journey of life, is to have it with Christ. Cause no matter how bumpy the road is, how roller-coaster-y our lives are, we got to grip on the One who's unshakeable, the one who saves, the one who makes every steps of the way worthwhile.

And for that, I love You.
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